The Adventures of Sugarking

Bastard Guys

2011-06-28T01:47:00.003+01:00

It didn't start today. A lot of us guys can be desperate when it comes to kpekus. Some of us go after our friend's girlfriends, wives and whatever, as long as its a lady. But its the extent some guys go to, just to get some sex that's starting to be really worrying.

So I met Caroline at some Volunteering workshop about a year back, located each other on facebook, exchanged numbers and just got talking. Pretty Ugandan thing, with a lean frame, she was quite shy. Could never hold your gaze for long. But she was really sweet and had some of the best boobies I ever saw in my whole life. And for her frame!

Anyways, I had her over a couple times, and I got to er...mouth the things. But that was all she let me do, suck bobbie. Caroline would never take her trousers off, and her reasons were changing like the British weather mehn. Today she had a boyfriend, the next time she was off sex, then the final one was that she was afterall a virgin. I on the other hand was starting to doubt "her" actual sexuality. I mean, I never saw the blasted thing for one day. She let me have my fill of bobbie, but the pants just never came off. She held them up with a grip unbelievable for someone her size. Me sef didn't push.

So all these up-and-down excuses wore me out and I sort of forgot about her for a while. A long while actually. She was on my bb though and one day out of the blue, she pinged me "Wait, so did you really forget me???" lol. I don't know what it was about that ping, but I was cracking bad. We did some catching up, I asked if she wanted to come over to my new place (I moved houses), she said she was done with Uni, had a lot of time on her hands and would love to come down, and we set a date.

So the day come reach now, she pinged me early in the day to ask what stop to get off at and what time she could come. We settled on that, and she had gotten to the bus station from which she would get the next bus coming by mine, when she pinged me to say that she had a friend with her and if I would mind if she brought the friend along.

My first thought was, she suspected I was going to move to her again, and thought to pull that old "take-a-friend-with-you" trick. "friend?? What friend?" I pinged back. And she returned that the friend was indeed a guy. That didn't sit well with me one bit. A guy??? as in, your protector abi wetin? Why should I allow myself to be subjected to that? This was afterall my house, if you no wan come because you were worried, you could say so, not spring it on me on short notice that you were bringing a friend, a guy for that matter who I didn't even know. I tried to look at the thing properly to make sure I wasn't over reacting, but arrived at the conclusion that 1.) she was actually being disrespectful to do that, 2.) na you say you wan come, so you can't be doing that. 3.) I wasn't feeling the whole setup and wasn't about to put myself through any awkward situations. I actually had to remind myself that it was my house.

So I pinged her a "No can do" jare. "I don't like strangers in my space, I'm sorry" I replied. You see, if the settings was different, I wouldn't really mind. I've had my friends, bring their friends that I didn't know, and that wasn't an issue, but this one felt very uncomfortable. I just couldn't help it. She asked, if I could come meet them at the bus top then. I replied that I couldn't do that either and that she should lose the guy. Imagine me at the bus stop and I get introduced to him as the guy who wouldn't let him in his house? I didn't have to, and didn't want to. Nah, sorry hun, can't do that either.

Well, long story short, she lost the guy and finally found her way to my door. It struck me as odd actually. I half expected her to get offended and return home, but she didn't. I opened the door and she was by herself. Exchanged pleasantries and I finally got the gist. She had met him on the bus on her way to mine, and he had spun her some gist about being a promoter for P-Square and 2Face, and because she knew I do music, she thought it would be nice for him to meet me (this was my "aww" moment. The poor girl. lol), and the maga suggested that he wasn't very busy and could come with her to see me, that's when she pinged me that first time.

I couldn't understand it. You meet a chic on the bus, she manages you some face time, you spin her some bullshit, she tells you she's on her way to see some guy, and you ask if you can tag along??? Like.....guys do that really??? What were we going to talk about? P-Square??? And if we were going to have sex, we'll hand you a sit to watch?? What really wowed me the most was my man pinged her about an hour later after she got to mine (yes o, he had taken her pin sef) like "I'm done with what I came to do here and was wondering if you were done so we can go back together". The bastard guy!! Niggas are cocky o! Dude just met her on the bus!!!! and it was the manner he was shamelessly dissing me that got to me.

Anyways, she pinged him that he could find his way to wherever sha. lol. We did some more catching up, streamed a movie, and I made sure not to lay a finger on her. A week later she would admit that she found it rather baffling that I didn't move to touch her, and I explained that I was tired of the awkwardness that always followed knowing that she still wouldn't take her pants off. She agreed that I was correct, and I said "see?" lol

She said; "NO SEX"

2011-05-09T23:34:00.003+01:00

I did a ten week interactive course in "People Skills" , there were about 13 of us that signed up and that's that's where I met Clarissa. Her sister, Cleo, just one year older than her had signed up for the program too. Our tutor was a 52 year old lady, who broke it down for us, the basic communication skills used in relating with people either as counsellors, interviewers and even in normal daily life.

You see Clarissa was shy, ridiculously shy if I must say, very polite, and em...also very ABSOLUTELY sexy. As in period, full stop. But underneath all this lay a very intelligent mind. Our tutor, stunned by it, was always asking her what career she wanted to pursue and how she was doing in school. She was gifted. She was just 19.

Anyways, I was checking the "Recent Updates" on my bb, yeah, she's on my bb (I'm starting to be addicted to that thing. The subliminals on twitter have nothing on the bb ones I swear) and she had changed to a very revealing brand new Display picture. Omo, I hit her up immediately jare. Lemme add that this lady, for reasons beyond me considers me a clown of epic proportions. She only had to tak a glance at me and burst into hysterical laughter, let alone when I opened my mouth to her. I was the only African in the class, and I think I brought a different vibe to the class they all found funny beyond my comprehension.

"Hey Clarissa, you're looking rather wicked today, I might have to move to you finally you know? What do you think?"

And being Clarissa, she didn't disappoint with a "LMAOOOOO!"

There was more play toasting and then it came round to us talking about her boyfriend.

"Hope he's hitting it good? Cos I'm about to take you from him if he isn't" I typed, which met with more "LMAOO"s (before people begin to slag me off as cocky, I'll let you know that this is how I communicate with this here Clarissa. I'm sure we all have friends who we have these type of convos with. I am not being cocky or brash in a bad way, I'm just joking. She finds it funny so I continue with it. There's a couple other ladies I do it to also and its all for laughs. I know people who've written me off for this actually. oh well. lol).

So back to our gist jare, leave bad bele people. lol. Ehen, so she said she had a man, No, he wasn't hitting it good because he wasn't hitting it at all. "I'm not ready yet" she added.

WHAT??????!!!!!!!

So there are actually guys that go into a relationship with a chic who has a "NO SEX" clause?? Really??? As in....What do they do then??? Yes let's get into the matter properly. Lemme tackle the attacks I know will definitely come "But a relationship is not always all about sex SugarKing". But before you say that, I need you to step back and analyse that your statement PROPERLY.

What do mean sef??? A relationship is all about SEX goddammnit!!! Sex, is were the BOND is at!!! This is why no matter how 2 people say their they're in a strictly sex-buddy relationship, something special is born when they first have sex and grows with the more sex they have. It brings souls together in ways the mind could never understand. There is a connection between your psyches. You WANT to be having sex with your partner!!! It strengthens the relationship!!!

Wait, so there's no physical contact is what you're telling me? No cuddles? No kissing????? because these all lead to sex, so if you're saying there's no sex, it means you guys are avoiding these things.......and what is that?

Chelu, what do you people do? Take romantic bus rides round the city? Go to the park? Oh, I won't even ask about the cinema, Even our dog know say that one follow.

Well, I haven't met, and don't know of any men, who'd actually be the ones coming with the "No Sex" clause, hence I shall now address the ladies. loool. So my questions are; Why do you want a boyfriend when you're not ready to have sex? ladies always like to go and say "Men are such dogs, they'll go after anything in a skirt" and I say to that, "BEFORE NKO????" If you have to blame anybody, blame our creator. Yes I said it! he put those hormones in us. A man catches a glance of bare female flesh, (Notice I said "glance". You glance with your eyes abi?) signals are transmitted through the eyes, through the brain, down the spine (sending tingles, this causes excitement you have no idea about) and land smack in the middle of our Testosterone pool, similar to what happens when a fat person jumps into a small pool. This causes the level to overflow (think conji) and some of the water finds its way into a shaft, fills it, get its up, and that's how we know what time it is - HUNTING SEASON. We couldn't stop this if our lives depended on it, so who are you people blaming really??? lol

And a man, from when he has his first sex, will NEED (emphasis on "need") that sex regularly. I don't want to put any fear into our ladies in distance-relationships, but I'll tell you this, there's only a time frame within which a man CAN go without sex. I'm not saying this to deliberately hurt you, but it is, what it is. I know this, and I know you know this too. Moving on.

Lemme tell you something. A man's attraction to a woman is like a dart board. Sex is right in the middle, and everything else surrounds it. I don't care if he's a priest, and maybe it might not be in the center particularly, but it is in the mix somewhere. I don't know what you people think, but blood flows in our veins you know??? Not iced water, not tea, not even beer, B-L-O-O-D.

And how can you sit there and tell me a relationship mustn't always be about sex? Because what you are equally saying is that, it doesn't matter if I go get it somewhere else abi? Oh, you won't have that now would you? How about I go outside and get it, come back to you like "mehhhnnnn, the girl last night was the BOOOOMMMMBBBBB!!!! Shiiiiiiiittttttt! We did the doggy, standing doggy, lying-down doggy (chai, I love this one sha!) Monkey style, cockroach, caterpillar" and you go "Awww, hunni I'm glad you had fun!" and kiss you on the lips? yeah, how about that??

But then you're a smart, beautiful, intelligent, wise (lol), got-it-going-on lady, why would you want that?? So why would you put your man through that? Because you're torturing the man is what you're doing. You know that right? What do what do you think you're doing starving the man? Because I know that nigga want's to have sex. Nothing you fit tell me. If he's okay with a no-sex relationship, take this from me, you need to check that brother. And if you really love him, does he really deserve that? Because men, all we need to cheat is a go-ahead from you that its ok. I tell you, no man ever cheats without an excuse. I will catch heat for this, but I'll stand by my words here. It is always something. I don't know him so I don't know what his excuse was, but trust me, there was an excuse. So why would you just hand it on a platter to us and think that we will stop for a fraction of a second to re-consider???

Some men, go into a relationship, because they don't really fancy that whole sleeping all over the place business. They find one lady, take her heart, give her theirs, and the sex becomes the icing on the cake. Get it? The initial plan was to have sex, but he thought, I want it to be meaningful sex. I want to dedicate heart and soul to this person because I know the sex will be way sweeter, my gallivanting friends don't know what they're missing. And you come and say "NO SEX???

In my opinion, if you are not having sex, you have no business having a man. It's not worth it. It's a headache and a pain in the ass rolled in one. I advice to wait till you're ready, Whenever that is. lol

Confidence

2011-03-14T14:37:00.002Z

So I was on the bus again, seated right at the back, going home from work. All the seats were taken and there were quite a few people standing. I was on my phone fiddling, and subconsciously noticed the white guy seated opposite me. A few minutes later, I raised my head and he was gone. It was while I was looking around that I spotted the pair standing right at the very front of the bus. A white guy chatting up a black lady. Wait a minute! That's the white guy that was sitting here a few minutes back, I thought to myself. Omo, I forgot what I was doing on my phone and concentrated on them jare. From the way the girl was acting, there was no mistaking the toasting that was going on. He was standing behind her and was engaging her in conversation. She was replying him, but only with short anwers apparently, as she kept her head turned so she was watching the road, and only turned to answer the man's questions. And bros was un-relenting with the questions too. It was the way she kept flicking her hair back and front to answer him that I found quite intriguing. He said something to her, she flicked her hair back to face him, answered him, flicked it front again to watch the road. She was loving it! And this went on for quite a while. E never tey when my man pulled out his phone, and she flicked her hair a couple of times again to recite her number!!!!! What????!!!!!! I was petrified!!!!! Right in front of the bus!!! And you know everyone else behind was facing front, so they saw all that encounter willingly or un-willingly! They both happened to get off at the same place where the man continued his toasting.

I've always argued with ladies who couldn't stop with that "I like Confidence in a guy" yarns. I mean, A guy could have sniffed a whole tank of Coke, smoked all the weed in the world, drank all the alcohol, put his hands in my pockets, slide over to you like "Hey baby, wassup?" and pass the confidence test right? But everything became clear when after watching this couple. That babe had probably not had even an old wrinkled man pay her any attention since 2011 began. (I'm just saying o. lol) Even still, She could have brushed him off rudely (like most women tend to do. Yes I said it. Na lie before?) But No, homie, spotted her all the way from the back of the bus where he was sitting, got up and went to the very front of the bus, to chat her up! In full view of everyone else!!! I could see why she gave him her number! That's some real confidence right there!!! And it didn't matter that homie was white or whatever, she definitely was impressed with him!!! I mean there were other black brothers together with me on the bus. We get mind why we no waka meet am? Abi she suppose beg us ni? lol

This is the same thing I'm starting to apply in my job hunt. This recession is the reason recruiters are not hiring anymore. It doesn't matter the first class you graduated with. Everyone's in the same soup pot these days. But something that sets a person away from the pack is confidence. A can-do attitude. My dad used to say something back then "If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit". I.e, you don't know jack about the job, but your manner of speaking, the confidence in your tone, your expressions just blocks out all your other inadequacies. I've got a Jamaican guy working with me. This guy can chat up a tree I swear. I mean, he can actually start a convo with a tree and get it to talk back to him. this guy calls the customer service personnel at his mobile phone provider and if you've called those people before, you know they can be very curt. They're well mannered, but they are trained to help you resolve your issue in a quick manner and get on to other callers. My jamo guy calls a customer service operator to complain about something on his phone and by the end of the call, the operator has told him what they do, their music tastes, the best restaurants, e.t.c you just name it. When faced with a problem, their replies are usually "Never say never, Sure, Piece of cake, easy, e.t.c"

And this is the same thing recruiters listen for when they first call you to talk about how they found your CV on some site and how they think you might be a good match for the job. Most of the time they're calls usually wake me up in the mornings, and you know how I'm going to sound at that time right? Everyone loves a happy person. Someone who's excited at the littlest things.

We should all strive to be more confident.

Female Worship

2011-02-11T02:49:00.006Z

*WARNING! DO NOT INTEND TO BE COCKY IN THIS POST*

So you know, I was just sitting on the net the other night, smoking...you know, and I thought, I do have a lot of female friends who real just find it comforting to just hold a conversation with me. I repeat I'm not being cocky here, it is simply the truth. Like, phone calls, bbm's, Facebook chat e.t.c, We can go for hours talking about everything, but talking about nothing in particular. And I realised with rude shock that the key to having a lot of women "satisfied" with you is not necessarily your swag, or the way you carry fine, or your six pack and all that rubbish, it is simply by female worship! Women love, scratch that, women LIVE!!! to be worshipped!!! from the second they are born, and mom starts to dress them in pink and all, they are groomed to be worshipped.

3 year old Mary is dressed for her birthday party and everyone that comes to wish her happy birthday goes, "Ah, Mary your hair is fine o!", "Mary, your dress is lovely!!!" that carries on when she reaches puberty. That sexy, sly guy goes " You know, Mary I ain't trying to be rude, but you've got a great future behind you" and she goes "Aww, thanks. kiss kiss". She gets married, has kids and little junior after a meal goes "Mommy this soup is wicked!!", her daughter tells her just before she leaves for church "Mummy, you look like take-away". She gets old and starts greying and people say to her, "Ah, mama instead of ageing you're looking like under 16", "Mama's greying so beautifully, its unbelievable".

Women Live to be worshipped. By worship I don't mean you have to lie and tell a fat girl that she's thin o!, or a midget that she's tall e.t.c o!. No, they can hear your lie even before it comes out trust me. You have to be able to be so real and honest to get a way with it clean. You have to know how to mix a some flattery with a some real facts perfectly. And this takes skill. This will have them throwing their panties at you with reckless abandon. Like "Baby, I'm a virgin, but you can have me....no....I'm not joking, I mean it" loooool.

And by worship, I do not absolutely mean the flirty "You've got some nice lips" "You're sexy", "I love your dimples", or smile or dentition e.t.c. It could even come from a church leader sef. A simple "If you must know, I believe in you more than you believe in yourself Mary. This is not the first exam you're writing in your life. I know you've studied hard, just go in that day, do your best and leave the rest to God ok? I don't doubt that you'll pass more than you expected just watch". You can't fail with that. She be stone? looooool

But I'm not saying the ultimate goal is to enter babylon o, I mean just having you on speed dial on their phones, you being the first chill-with buddy that comes to their minds, and other similar things is exactly what I'm talking about. I was saying to a chic the other day that I'm trying to work on being humble and she burst into hysterical laughter "But you ARE humble Nkem, what are you talking about?" she said. Even with my twin, people know he can be a bit hot headed and confrontational, but that I'm the one to go to, to "reason" with. I have a great "Listening" ear, I'm very proud to say. I put in work in that department, so allow me to brag a little.

People generally love a person they can say anything to. As in no topics are off limits with them. They wanna talk dirty, its you. They wanna just have a laugh and some banter after a very bad day, its you. In some cases, you are the surest booty call sef. looool. That is, You are the "There" guy. I love being the goto guy jare. Not for everything I mentioned sha o. Hahaa! So I have always persevered to push my humility to it's limits. I said to @chayaoma the other day "my humbleness (if there's ever a word) is the only thing I'm cocky about. And I do it effortlessly. And most importantly it helps me to feel better with myself as a person, which is really a good thing in itself. Its really not as difficult as it seems. Some people really need to try it sometimes.

Women love to be worshipped. Mix some of that with a little flattery, a little truths, a little humility sprinkled with some "reaslistic-ness", and you'll have them spell-bound every other time that you speak, every step you take my brother. Now go forth and conquer!!! loool"

Women if I'm lying, just take a while to rank your male friends from top down and see if it isn't the humble types that top the list.

lol

Abeg ladies make una no vex for me o, I have been smoking sha. looooool

The Girl from the Pub 2

2011-01-06T13:51:00.002Z

....So You remember Aisha from the last post abi? and How we exchanged pins when we got off the bus abi? Yeah, so I pinged her a couple of times A week passed and I didn't get any replies. Then I remembered she said she was regular at my pub for lunch, so I thought to check with the bar staff if they'd seen her lately. So I opened Aisha's bb display pic and showed to Shenika (one of the bar staff girls). Shenika's reaction startled me. "hahahaaaa! How'd her picture get on your phone??!! No, I mean how'd you get her picture??" she asked further. I was confused now. In short she left me standing there and ran to tell another of the bar staff girls that I had a pic of "That Lady that always drinks red wine when she comes around". And that is when they both gave me "Aisha's" full gist.

In short these too didn't mince words "She's a prostitute Sugarking" they chorused. They said she was always regular there, always only ordered a tall glass of red wine and always left drunk. That wasn't their problem they admitted but it was the fact that she always came in with a guy, each one different from the last! Dem laugh me no be small. They said she had even tried to come onto "Steve" also a bar staff who didn't pay her any attention as he was gay. She had also tried to move to Penny's man friend (another bar staff). Penny made me promise to have three condoms on if I must do anything with her sef. lol. Then I started to correlate the Bar staff stories with what Aisha herself had said. She said she was a "social worker", freelancing in about 5 different parts of the town, and liked to meet her "clients" for lunch at my pub.....Makes sense??? lol

Anyways, it wasn't long before I met her at the pub again. I had just finished my shift and was chilling by the bar with a beer the manager had bought me. "hey!!!! how are you???!!" she said, and she had two men with her this time. I replied that I was great, she started to apologise for not pinging me as she had actually lost her bb that first night we met. She had some very mai mai phone for a replacement too. haha. Anyways she asked if I was going back home and that she was going that way so If I could please wait for her to finish her drink with her "clients" would be great. I said "cool". We where soon out of the pub on our way to the bus stop. What's funny is how all the bar staff that day noticed us walking out together and I became gist o.

So we got on the bus, she proceeded to the top deck of the bus and I followed her sha. We took seats right in front of the bus. This was bad mehn! Aisha was drunk, smelling and talking at the top of her voice. There was no denying the audience we had behind us. It took me all the energy I could muster to not go down and kick the driver to move faster. Meanwhile I obliged Aisha the conversation I could manage. She actually did 99% of the talking in my opinion. I was all "hmm, right, OK" e.t.c She was slurring so bad in her speech it was unbelievable.

I was glad when we finally got to our stop. But that was just the beginning of my woes actually. I climbed down the steps to the lower deck and stepped out and turned just in time to see Aisha falling off the bus!!! As in she was all fours on the cold pavement!!! I was flabbergasted! I had a strong mind to just walk away mehn! Shey you see me? I hate to be involved in public shows of any kind. I flee from it. You can curse me and my life, and i'll just jejely walk away. She fell off the bus. Chai! I was soooo embarrassed! I quickly looked up and down the road and thankfully there wasn't a lot off people watching. Even the bus driver thought he had run her over or something and had to wait a while to make certain she was well clear of the bus before moving off. And she didn't even get up immediately, she just lay there wimping. I took her by the arm and tried to lift her up but she chose to sit there on the pavement and wimp some more. I prayed with my last breath that she didn't fracture anything. I wasn't about to start carrying anybody anywhere. Thankfully she was able to stand and walk. And that's what we did till we went our separate ways with her all apologetic for "embarassing" me she said. I brushed it off as nothing though but was all too glad to be rid of her, her pin and every other thing associated with her. I don't know what it was, but she wasn't the same in my eyes again jare

I got to work next day and everyone had some big grins on their faces like "so was she any good?" "No she wasn't!" I replied "She didn't even step foot in my house!"

Yeah so there goes Aisha jare. lol

The Girl from the Pub

2010-12-10T22:28:00.002Z

Work was hectic today mehn. I don't normally work Fridays, but they had me in at the pub today because they were hosting a couple of Christmas parties, you know, families go out to a pub or somewhere nice to have dinner or whatever. So I took a break to go get some drinking water. To do that, you had to go from the kitchen, right behind the bar and round the corner to where the dispenser was. So I was there drinking my water surveying the customers that where there when I noticed this rather pretty girl. Dark skinned and having that exotic skin tone normally associated with Somalians sitting at the bar, a white guy chatting her up. She was responding nicely though so I thought perhaps they had come together.

Anyways, I finished my drink and passed by them again, making sure to take a proper glance this time. Nah, they were carried away in their convo to even notice me. Well, thirty minutes later, I had finished work, gotten dressed and made my way to the bus stop when I noticed a girl crossing the road to the same bus stop, who had gotten there just before me, turned and smiled at me. Ah, me sef smiled back na. My mind like, "ehen? she smiled so what??. You want to embarrass yourself now abi?" So me sef kpem, but I made sure no to go far. Feeding her the green light if I may put it that way. If she really had intentions, she would definitely accept my....em.....light. (hehe)

She lit a cigarette, turned, caught my eye, smiled again and said "You alright?". Ahhhhhh!! Unbelievable!!! So she really did have intentions!!! So I replied that I was fine o and she continued "Didn't you just come from the pub?? You work there??" WOOOOWWW!!! So she saw me??!!! And I thought she didn't notice!!!! I replied that I infact did, "Didn't I see you with the white guy??" You know na, make bobos know kwa o! I've seen many a brother make the newspaper, the cause of death being a jealous lover. I won't be in the papers for that o!!! She then went on to narrate how she had gone there to meet a friend who hadn't yet come, and the white guy was just there chatting shit to her, as she put it. So she said she was actually going my way, to another pub "Weatherspoons". Ah, me sef confirmed that I knew the place. Our bus soon arrived, we climbed on the top deck, found a pair of seats and settled down to chop talkey.

I was quite impressed to be honest. Her name was/is Aisha, and she's a care worker supporting poor kids and all, is a free lance beautician with plans already in motion to get her own salon. I was impressed really. So it was a hearty discussion sha, when we got to Weatherspoons, we both got down, I pointed the place out to her and I was just saying good bye when she interrupted, "So you want me to keep in touch, call you, or....." That was when I gave myself a very clean, dirty slap. "Na dream I dey so??, oya Sugarking wake up! You are stupid for dreaming that kind of dream!" But this was real! She sef come look me one kind and I returned "Nah, it was a fly". We exchanged pins and said our good byes.

Don't get me wrong o, I know some people might read my back posts and refer from all the ones I've been posting lately that I have no game. lol. Far from that, my game is very much intact, and I'm not even bragging yet. hehe. I just don't like to show myself. Plus I cherish my self respect badly! But It was a bit shocking na, ahn ahn! I see one fine babe for pub who apparently didn't even have time to notice me, then 30 mins later, I have the very babe's name, bio, and bb pin?? lol. No but make una sef check am na ehn???

p.s. I'm a good boy. That I took her pin is exactly what it is, I took her pin. It doesn't mean anything will happen. No I am not Emeka. LMAO!!!

The fascination of sex

2010-11-30T03:45:00.000Z

But today we are debating the fascination and attraction of sex to both men and women. What is sex sef? The man puts his member into the female, thrusts for a while, cums and its over. I mean it is just a phallus and a hole coming together, what’s the big deal??? Why is the whole of humanity ruled by the god SEX??? Men chase it like their lives depends on it. At the clubs, on the road, even in church we are hunting! Even the women are not spared. No! No! No! They are equally as guilty. Babes are braving rainstorms these days on okada racing to the arms of their lovers. Their motto: “I can’t sleep alone this night please”. My brother used to have a girl cross the country to him just to take pipe!

I mean just think about it, and this has been since humanity began o. The “Kpekus” (vagina) has been the cause of wars numerous to mention. Just think “the battle of Troy”. Me sef sometimes whenever, morning afternoon or evening, when I want it, it’s just what it is, I WANT IT. It starts with a tossing and turning, that’s when I know I have to get it out. No seriously, there’s no way I’m keeping it in me any longer. Some of us start calling from booty call 1 till infinity, till one answers. Please note that this applies to women too o!!!

Worse comes to worst the men make do with Suzie Palms and the women with Trey fingas. And have you ever noticed how you always admit to yourself that sex is over rated just right immediately after cumming??? Abi is this just me? And that’s only when you can go back to other things? But for me sef, it only takes about 10 mins after and Aunty Konji is back from the market. And the entire cycle repeats its self a billion times over in every one of us for the rest of our lives, the first day being the first time our members joined forces with another member.

P.s. I was high when I wrote this. Forgive me please

Reading Minds; Gift or Curse

2010-11-23T00:09:00.000Z

So I was at work the other day, and on the radio was some sort of show and it was three voices just interacting and one, who obviously was the anchor asked the one “if you had to choose between different powers, which would you pick?” And she answered without a second’s doubt “I want to be able to read minds” and when she was asked why specifically, she answered “so I can read my ex’s mind” And I thought “she wants to be able to read her ex’s mind!!!” But why would she think that’ld be the perfect gift for her?

Personally, if I had to pick from; immortality, ability to read minds, Teleportation and perhaps certain others, I’ll pick teleportation jare. That’ld be sooo cool. Just imagine na, you vanish and reappear anywhere anytime at will!!!

Immortality? emm.....nah, not really. Hehe. Why would I want to live forever??? As in you go just dey all the people them follow born you with go die finish and you go still dey. In short you go dey there all their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren go die finish, you no gree die. Nah, i’ll pass on that one jare. Lol

But I don’t think I’ll choose the ability to read minds either sha. I mean to me your life will become so miserable after that in my opinion. You can barely survive through your own dark secrets, how much more those of every one whose own dark secrets you were able to read off their minds even against your own will. As in, there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re in a crowded room and the thoughts of all about 50 people in the room are just hitting you like a racket to a tennis ball. Imagine you seating in church and reading the pastor’s mind “hmm, look at Mrs Adeola sitting in the front row, her legs apart with that nasty ass thong on!! Hmm, I shall have to arrange another personal meeting on accounts soon” or sitting in your living room with Mom and Dad who are arguing about money again and read your mom’s thoughts; “Useless fool, I don’t even know why I’m still with your broke ass! Kmt! I know I should have accepted Chief Odogun’s invitation to his hotel last week, I know that could have gotten me enough money to change the kids uniforms and school shoes, and also pay for Chidi’s jamb form”

What of being able to read 60 year old Doctor Ezeife’s mind. The much respected friend of your dad who has never failed to visit your parents every Sunday for the past 20 yrs and it read “Hmm, see how this his daughter that was born 15 yrs ago has matured into a full vixen. Look how succulent her breasts are. She looks like Father Okoro’s daughter I had in that run down hotel last week” That’s your junior sister!!! Lol. What are you going to do about all this? “Police please come and arrest this man, I just read his mind and he plans to rob Uncle Mike’s house tomorrow night!!” I keep doing that and I’m going to land in an asylum in no time.

This is why the movie “Inception” was big. It showed how people had come to keep secrets viral to a company’s existence have now had to be stored in the mind. It meant that, bank vaults and computer hard drives or burying it thousands of feet underground have all proved unsafe, so the mind has been thought to be the only safe place to hide them. But the movie also showed how an elite group of criminals had come to birth. “Mind Robbers”, funny abi? I’ve said it before, mankind is the most intelligent race ever!!! The things we invent on the daily!! I mean to imagine that we were all apparently thousands of years back in the stone age using sticks and rocks to make fire. We still walked around naked!!! So these guys infiltrate your mind and find and take whatever secret you had in there that was of interest to them!

You failed an exam but your parents are all sympathetic and encouraging like “don’t worry ehn, we know you did your best and that’s ok for us. Just prepare harder next time” Do you really want to know that they really think “Well, you’re not our brightest child and all but we understand. Your first class elder brother is always there to make us proud”

Or do you really want to know that your lover’s real thoughts about you are “well, you’re not at your best in the looks department I have to be honest, and your sex sucks really but you are well mannered, and you seem to be really happy when around me and my fam sort of fancies you so its cool. Left to me i’ld go with that your hot best friend”

Do you want to have to bear all the animosity in the heads of your mom and your mother-in-law??? The real question is CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH??!!

Because not everyone can handle the truth. Some breakdown, it damages egos irreparably and so on and so forth. The lady on the radio station wanted to read her ex’s mind. First thing that came to my mind was “Awww, she has a lot of “why” questions she desperately wants answered, and she will do anything to be able to read her ex’s mind” Imagine finding your mom’s deepest secrets, your dad, your friends, virtually anyone! I don’t think I would like that o. LoL

The only time I might need that power though is in that situation when there’s some babe in your room, and una don chop the dinner you made, chop desert, una don down two bottles of wine, una don look 3 movies back to back and she has said she was leaving for about 5 times now in the past 2 and half hours only to delve into another drawn out convo. Wouldn’t you like to see what’s going on in that head of hers? Lol. As in, she’s your very good friend from way back since primary school so even thinking about that is a bit taboo. But what is she playing at??!!! Is she trying to pass a message? Why don’t I see it??? Imagine say you come read am and it goes “What are you waiting for you slow fool??!!” lmao!!! Now THAT!!!! Would be dope!!!!!

But on the real, I don’t think I want to read people’s minds jare, it’ld just be too much for me. But then I don’t need to go far to read people’s minds. I simply have to log on to TWITTER!!! Yes twitter. You see I’ve always believed that everyone had some inner poet in them. Give anyone from 3yrs upwards a pen and a pad and ask them to write a hundred word essay about themselves and you’ld be amazed the words that person would actually pick to say what he wants to say. No other person in the whole wide world could have ever written it the way they did ever! Just go on twitter and see what people are doing with a mere 140 words. People are pouring intelligence, charisma and wittiness of great magnitudes into 140 words!! Not gonna lie, I hated twitter when I initially joined just for this very reason. Someone would tweet “Yawns” or “Going to make dinner” or “This woman is just stupid” or some other random stuff. What pissed me off was what that people where tweeting busllshit rather than what I thought they should have tweeted (abi twat. Lol). Why are you telling me you’re yawning? Or that you’re going to make dinner? So I should go and jump inside river Niger abi?? But it was only recently I discovered OMG!!! I JUST READ THAT PERSON’S MIND!!!! In that way, twitter has become in my opinion the greatest social networking site ever! Others have you putting up pics and what not, but this has given millions of people the world over to pour out their minds into 140 words!! For the first time ever, Mankind has been able to incorporate the human psyche into the codes of a software! How amazing is that??!!!

And apparently the quest to read minds is also infectious. That’s why a Kim Kardashian for instance has over a hundred thousand followers. It’s all those people saying, “yeah she always seems so calm and relaxed in front of the camera, but what exactly lies behind all that facade???” people will kill to know!

My anger also, was the cockiness of people. Chai, go on twitter and see cocky people!!!! They’re either boasting of something or the other. They think so highly of themselves and all. But I thought to myself, No! These are personalities unfolding before your very eyes!!! You are privileged to be experiencing this!!! With that I started adding and re-adding most people I previously got tired of. These days I log on to my TWEET DECK and leave it running in the background when I’m working, and occasionally get updates of what people are tweeting that opens up in some small box at a corner of the screen. It is so fascinating I tell you!

Soul Brother

2010-11-18T01:32:00.004Z

So I have a friend, who has a girlfriend who obviously is fascinated to bits about him even though I couldn't honestly say the reverse is the same. He is not being the most faithful (what's that mean sef?) of boyfriends I can tell you that in my sleep. Back to the gist sha. But surprisingly, homie is at war with some other guys over this same babe. What is the motive you might ask? Well if you ask me sha, this babe is a nurse (and you know what a lucrative profession that is here). She reportedly earns £60/hr and works whenever she likes. She goes to work as the spirit moves her (to tell you what position she's at!). I was at theirs once when she said she didn't feel like going to work, when my friend started to persuade her to go. Why was he doing that I wondered?? No, he didn't seem the type. Then it hit me! She was his bank, his cashflow, his money bag whatever name you want to attach to it! Homie was only asking her to go make him some money!!! The other guys clearly knew this and where deathly mad she had decided to "bank" with him instead of them. Well this is what I figured o!

But I also found myself reversing roles and thinking what'ld make two women develop blood feuds over a man? Yes we know money is the first thing that comes to mind, but the purpose of this post actually is to, (at the risk of offending my feminine connects, but make you sef think am na? lol) give a special shoutout to those guys that have two ladies fighting over them. I shall explain further.

You see, women are the cockiest creatures God ever made. If a woman doesn't want you, she doesn't want you. It doesn't matter how handsome or "Ryan Reynold-ly" and "Trey song-ly" you are. If you like sef make your koboko stretch from here to babylon, you are just wasting your time...not even hers. lol. If she no send you, she no send you. Chapter closed. But when a man has managed to leech unto a woman's soul so much that she's claws and fangs at any opposition, come on lets give the man a round of applause shall we??? lol

I was on worldstarhiphop.com last night and was watching this clip of girls fighting (these are a favourite with them). Now the vid started with a group of girls arriving at the other party's hood in about three cars. The cameraman (its always men recording these things o) panned to the other party marching out like something out of that "300" movie. The apparent leaders of these groups met, circled each other, threw their fists up and almost ten minutes of scraping, heads banged on the concrete, wigs pulled, and body parts falling out ensued. In all my life, I have never seen any women fight like that for anything else other than a man. No you self think am. One of them left with a football sized bulge on her head. What are these men brainwashing them with???

Another fight I saw had one of the spectators cursing "You fools are fighting over a nigga that's in jail??". If that isn't a "WOW" moment! Now we know that in about 80% of the time, a man has to be a good-for-nothing, low-life, gang member, no-focus-in-life, society reject to be in jail (hey I said 80%!!!). How did such a person come to get two ladies, who only have to look good and be self respecting to get any other focused brother (no disrespect), to fight over him, I mean they were screaming "Bitch leave my man alone!!"

In other reasonable cases, this might just be a clean, ridiculously young, successful, fashionable, sweet smelling, WOW type of brother. Every crowd they find themselves in is divided into two; them and others. He's got medals all over the wall some lie on the ground for lack of space. Yes her head is in the correct place for fighting for such a brother. But then another round of applause for this brother for building himself into that "brand" if I may call it. If it were easy, you wouldn't be seeing brothers chasing women left right and centre as if their live's depended on that one yanshing. The brand will speak for itself. lol

But still he needn't even be rich or be in the public eye sef. Some brothers are able to climb to that level simply by the way they talk, walk, approach things, their unique sense of style, choice of perfumes, interest in technology, really just the general Aura around them. I have a friend that I, together with other friends walk into a club with, and within minutes, strange girls are sending their friends over to say, "my friend wants to talk to you". One time this girl sent her friend (a guy!!!!) over to say "Just go talk to am, she don dey talk about you since, she be nice girl". I and the others just stared! One time a group of girls approached us at a bus stop, walked straight to him and took his number. In short the man became a measure of "toasting bravery" amongst us. Someone would start yapping about how he chatted up this chic and that chic only for somebody to put him in his place like "abeg shut up there! you be Emeka??" and the funniest thing is he'ld actually shut up o! LoL

Virtually, online, brother's are still commanding that respect. Its no small feat when you're able to appeal to someone's intellect electronically with nothing but words. You have people hanging on your every word so to speak. They worship the very alphabets you used in constructing that sentence. Bear in mind that both parties in most instances have never met before! Its no news how the likes of Roc Naija, Mr Fineboy and Sir Scribbles have the ladies trampling on themselves to leave a comment every time they put up a post. They're doing it online!!!!!!!!!!!! Go on twitter and see how some brothers have racked up that status too. People as @SexyCalabarBoy, @SirScribbles, @KidKonnect and @YoItsBeazy only have to tweet "Going to take a shit" and every Cecilia, Dorothy and Nkechi (don't you just love Nkechi?? lol) are Retweeting, LoL-ing and LMAO-ing with reckless abandon. These guys have upwards of 1000 followers predominantly all female admirers. Online!!!!!

The thing is, there are lots of other "Emekas" amongst us. say an average of 1 to every 1000 men (hope I'm not pushing it too far?. lol). Men that most of us other men (abi na boys? hehe) are in total awe of how they attract these women with effortless ease. Men that I'll bet my soul every other man as much as some might want to deny it, secretly perhaps subconsciously yearn to be like. Not a day passes I don't hear a girl bemoan Trey Song's "beauty". Una think say I no go like that kind attention??? or that I'm alone in that? lol

A big round of applause for such brothers jare. It will always remain a mystery how y'all do it!!!

Even the Prison brother sef deserves a round of applause. lol. Who else can be so "un-focused" and still have two women wanting him?? Who's doing that?? Lmao!

Old Roger

2010-10-31T23:27:00.003Z

Just the other day on twitter, This chic started reciting the rhyme, "Old Roger". And she went "Old Roger is dead, and gone to his grave, hmm, haa, Gone to his grave". And I thought it was quite funny, cos I thought she was subliminal-ing someone. (That's all that happens on twitter anyway, subliminals) and so I Re-tweeted her tweet, "Who abeg?" and she replied "lol. Abeg leave me jare, I'm just reciting a rhyme. And it took me back, waaaaay back to when I was little!!! I remembered the rhyme!!!!! I was suddenly back in my kindagarten class! Can't remember who my "seat mate" was but I remember damn well the sort of mischief we were always getting into. we couldn't have been more than 4 yrs of age all about 20 of us, but we recited that amongst many other rhymes in unison at the very top of our voices!! But my overwhelming childhood memories came to an abrupt halt immediately. Dj abeg stop the music first!!!! What the hell???!!! What were my teachers smoking teaching me about death at such an age??!!

Old Roger??? Who/what was/is Old Roger and why was I, at no more than 4, shouting at the top of my lungs, with no remorse whatsoever singing about his death in the most heartless way ever???!!! What did I know about death then? What was my business with death at such an age? I had to google the poem and was speechless at the lyrics of the entire poem!!! What baffled me most was that Old Roger didn't only die, Whoever killed him had for reasons I will never in a million years begin to decipher, Planted an apple tree over the bloke's head also!!!! Like, I mean, how real does it get?? I need you to picture this for one good second. You kill a man, bury him, and decide the only honourable thing to do is to plant a apple tree directly over the man's head.....pause.....not his belly, not his feet,......his head. Ok, why an apple tree though? The apple is not a cash crop in Nigeria, so why not a palm or rubber tree??? I mean if you were going to go the length to be thoughtful, why not be properly thoughtful about what to plant??? They made me sing this!!! My teacher then handled the cane with unbelievable skill if I don't remember anything else. She didn't hesitate to have you screaming in tears instead if you wouldn't scream the rhyme with the others. Read that "Old Roger" thing to the end and there's a place where Old Roger allegedly resurrects from his grave (think Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video) and knocks an old lady dead in the head for picking the ripe apples that had fallen from the tree........that had grown over Old Roger's damned head!!! Imagine that...I mean, Just picture that....now picture 4 yr old me. lol

Then they also taught me "Twinkle, Twinkle little Star" and it went/goes "Twinkle, Twinkle little Star, How I wonder what you are" Like what sort of dummy teachers did I have sef? You just called it a Star, what exactly do you still need me to wonder what it is goddamnit???!!!! Is this a trick question?? cos I know you're smarter than that aunty. That's why you're my teacher. My daddy is not paying all this money for me to come here and be taught by a dummy o!!

And then, there was the annoying one "Humpty Dumpty". I need you to concentrate on the lyrics please. "Humpty Dumpty, who ever he was (I honestly don't know where they get these characters), sat on a wall.....Humpty Dumpty, had a GREAT!!! fall. Now to think the writer of the poem would have been considerate even a little bit, seeing as we were only innocent, gentle, angelic kids, and use "mild, little, small" in place of that, but no he just had to be stone heartless, to hell with the kids, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, period. You see now, when you think of the word "Great" and its possible meanings, you know only ;catastrophic, huge, gigantic, epic e.t.c come to mind. That's what type of fall Humpty Dumpty, who ever he was, God bless his soul had. The concluding part of the poem sef does the whole scenario no justice, it alleges that all the Kings men, I'm talking like 300, 000 army guys, could never (emphasis on the word "Never") put him back as he was originally. Just imagine 3 yr old Chioma, going back home wailing, tearing her hair out and refusing to be consoled. Mom; "Chioma darling, what's the problem?" "Humpty dumpty", Chioma wails even harder. Mom; "What happened to humpty dumpty sweetie?" "Aaaahhhh! He had a great fall mummy!! (spreading hands to indicate how great) and all the kings men couldn't save him! (sobs) "Mummy, humpty dumpty is in heaven now right?" Mom; "In short he was there before he died sef" Cool right? for a 4 yr old that is. lol

Old Roger is dead
And gone to his grave

Hm, ha,

Gone to his grave

They planted an apple tree
Over his head

Hm, ha,

Over his head.

The apples were ripe
And ready to drop

Hm, ha

Ready to drop

There came an east wind
A-blowing them off

Hm, ha

A-blowing them off

There came an old woman
A-picking them up

Hm, ha

A-picking them up

Old Roger got up

And gave her a knock

Hm, ha

Gave her a knock

Which made the old woman
Go hippity-hop

Hm, ha

Hippity-hop

Chat Up Lines

2010-10-25T00:43:00.002+01:00

What exactly is the perfect chat up line I thought to ask my people? And this is actually directed to the ladies seeing that na una dey receive them pass. Us guys get a couple which I must admit are quite funny but the ladies get it more for a fact. But again the main aim of this post is to help redeem us men who have never ceased to come under fire from ladies, for all sorts of things written in heaven and on earth. Lol. I can't count how many times I've heard a guy say something to a lady as a conversation starter and and it ends out, she thought he was corny. Even on twitter, you can't say to a chic, "Hi, that's a lovely avatar you've got there" without some tatafo (tatafo full twitter sha. lol) going "That's cheesy". No be she you tweet o!!!!!

On Facebook, I was chatting to this chic when I said "You've got some really lovely eyes", next thing she had updated her twitter "Why do guys do this?? You've got really lovely eyes?" for a compliment???? We were at a club the other day, my friend and I, when he said to this chic he had gotten talking with "I like your teeth", and she turned and walked away to the astonishment of my man. lol. Now the idiot boy should have said "dentition", but with all that loud music, you couldn't blame the girl when she misheard his "teeth" for "tits". Anyway that's understandable.

But ladies una sef dey mezebu with chat up lines sha. I got into this club once (you people don't get me wrong o, I don't club much at all. lol) and made my way to where my people had been waiting for me. Got there, shook hands and went to the bar to get a drink. it was while scanning the room for familiar faces that I noticed this white chic staring at me and smiling. Well, na club we dey so I smiled back. that must have been the "greenlight" she was waiting for, cos she suddenly walked over to me and asked "how' you been?" I replied that I was good and herself? she answered then just from nowhere, delved into some gist about had she had just gotten out of hospital the previous day after an operation for some cancer she didn't know she had. Walahi, I have never seen this babe in my whole life!!!! I just concluded that it was either she mistook me for someone else, or that was one hell of a chat up line, or speech in this case!!

But seriously, It confuses me that every conversation starter a guy mutters to a chic is termed cheesy. I have said this before in my past posts, (even though most guys will not agree) It is not easy for a guy to just shuffle to a babe and say "Wassup" (see? even that sounded cheesy abi?) At least pity the guy's effort. I myself have been in situations where I see a very cute chic that I knew within my inner most depths, I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't go over and say as much as a "hi". All I want is just to stand in her blessed presence and just hold conversation with her and just bask in the fact that this "thing" is actually talking back to me!!! But that's when I suddenly realise that there are weights chained to my feet. I can't see them but there's no denying they are definitely there. Weights that have "WHAT DO I SAY TO HER" inscribed on them. "I love your eyes" again perhaps?, "Where are you going?" perhaps? "Lovely weather?", "Those are some really nice shoes?" "WHAT DO I SAY TO HER THAT DOESN'T SOUND CHEESY????!!!" She doesn't know me. I'm a stranger to her so how do I get a stranger talking?

I've noticed certain gatherings have standard chat up lines that always work though.

1. After-church chatup line - "So is this your first time worshipping with us sister?"

2. House party chatup line - "So how do you know (insert celebrant's name) ?

But in spite of all this, is the plain old "Hi, I'm Nkem, What's your name?" guaranteed to work?

Because the opening line is definitely the hardest to get through, when that scales, (if it scales), you find that homey really relaxes and starts to talk sense/rubbish as the case may be. But the opening line is always the ice breaker. I can't lie sef, a couple of my opening lines have been met with silence. I'm talking silence so utter I actually started to think the babe was deaf. Babes are not smiling o! lol

So ladies (and guys that have been approached by ladies too) abeg help me with this, What would you call the perfect opening line. What should they say that would get you interested in getting into a conversation with that person even as you just finished a very weary 10 hour shift?

P.s. This does not mean I do not know how to chat to a chic o!!! lol

The Future is Now!

2010-10-02T10:43:00.001+01:00

Okay, the 2010 UN Review Summit ended yesterday and since it appears that most 9ja leaders tend to develop amnesia after attending conferences that will benefit the nation, I have decided to remind our leaders of their duties and deter any “convenient amnesia” that may choose to occur once Air force 1 or 2 lands in Abuja or Las-Gidi.

Specifically, I will briefly go over the recommendations that were made in respect to each MDG. Furthermore, since I can’t speak English like Honorable Patrick Obahiagbon, and I also can’t speak pidgin English, and although being Igbo and Yoruba, I can’t speak either to save my life, I will try to convey the 2010 UN recommendations in the most concise and simplest way possible for our 9ja leaders. For the leaders who may have turned mute when the plane landed in 9ja, I’m afraid, I dropped sign language in my 2^nd year of college, so you’ll have to bear with me. After this elocution, we had better not hear any more excuses. Ehen.

Required steps to Achieving the 8 MDGs:

1) Eradicate extreme hunger and poverty: The 31 page document that was produced at the end of the conference talk say 9ja leaders need to address the real koko wey dey cause wahala. For example, we get pikin wey dey waka for road, dem dey beg for money. Rather than get MOPO to get the pikin off the streets, though that one good sef, the government needs to pursue job-intensive and equitable economic growth to promote full employment (Ask una advisers to break down the meaning of this recommendation). Dem also talk say make the 9ja government promote participation and empowerment of rural women as the personal persons wey go enhance agricultural development and food security.

2) Achieve universal primary education: Fellow world leaders from other countries wey also attend the UN conference recommend that una go have to remove barriers (like the one wey naija’s dey use around their houses to deter armed robbers) outside and within educational systems and strengthen the sustainability of getting money for our national educational systems (Just in case una don forget wetin be dat, dat one na our primary schools, secondary schools, and universities. You know, the one wey some of you never go).

3) Promote gender equality and empowerment of women: Ehen, for the leaders wey no want send girls go school because una say girl pikin na waste of ego, that one must stop. The UN people talk say the 9ja government must remove barriers for the education of girls, ensure free primary schooling and komot policies wey go discriminate against women (For some of our male leaders, no names mentioned, these policies also apply to una houses. Wife battering must stop, female genital mutilation is unacceptable and so on. Girls and women no be slave or dogs. Dem be human beings like you).

4) Reduce child mortality: The 9ja government must ensure that all the pikin wey dey for naija have access to food wey dem fit chop 3 times a day. The government must give mama and papa mosquito nets so dat mosquitoes no go fit have access to bite dia pikin. And if some stubborn pikin no wan sleep under insecticide net, and the mosquito bite am, we must have drugs wey go help the child recover from malaria. The same thing applies to pneumonia and diarrhea. All the pikin wey dey naija must have access to drugs wey go work. We no want fake drugs wey go kill any pikin.

5) Reduce maternal mortality: Biko, fix the hospitals wey dey naija. Pay doctor and nurses well. Talk to your people and family members about affordable and acceptable methods of family planning. E no good wey our hospitals no gree work. Even late President Yardie go Saudi Arabia to get treatment. How una think say that make 9ja look? Una must remember say if una no fix the hospitals wey dey 9ja, one day you sef or your family member go kpafuka because the hospitals no dey work. That one na the law of karma (Ask your pastors and spiritual leaders to explain that one).

6) Combat HIV/AIDS and malaria: Intensify the investment in prevention efforts and increase access to treatments. For example, when a member of the Senate hear say e be like say EFCC go dey look for am, dem go quickly leave the country or go into hiding. Dem no go wait for EFCC to come to their house before dem go try escape. The same way, the government needs to ensure that dem dey educate 9ja’s about preventive measures. The government fit run jingles for radio about using condoms, taking HIV tests and let people know say treatment for HIV/AIDS dey, so people no go die or hide because dem dey shame.

7) Ensuring environmental stability: In sum, make we no burn dorti for road or bridge or forest. E no good for the environment. Bush burning and the useless moto on the roads with bad exhaust, wey don dorti sotay the smoke black like night, dey increase carbon monoxide emission. We no suppose to dey cut trees any which way. E fit cause food shortage, less oxygen in the air and less resources for our pikin‘s pikin. Una suppose watch Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth, e go teach all of una some very important things about sustaining biological diversity. This one wey e be like say the heat wey dey naija surpass de one wey dey hellfire, we suppose listen o.

8) Develop global partnership for development: Dis one no too hard na. Dem talk say all the “developed” countries (like Obodo America, London, France), suppose contribute money to help “developing countries” achieve the target of 0.7% of gross national product GNP) in terms of official development assistance (OFA). (But come sef, una no say with all the money, resources and intelligence we get for this country, 9ja no suppose be a developing country).

I don try my best. Ehen, so if una need to reach us (9ja citizens) for any thing, una fit use television (NTA, Silverbird, AIT and so on), radio (99.9 The Beat, Cool Fm, Eko fm, Wazobia fm), the internet (naija bloggers plenty, government websites, Sahara Reporters, 234Next.com) and NGOs (the ones wey dey actually use the money dem receive to help the 9ja people).

Una do well for listening. I hope I try with my elocution. Chai, this lingua franca tin no easy at all o!! Well, as we dey say for 9ja, it is well. By the way, Happy 9ja 50^th in advance. Make una no embezzle money o. We dey look forward to the elections. E good say INEC don postpone am. We no want wuru wuru elections.

Good Sex - A Man's View

2010-09-12T21:33:00.003+01:00

Chit chat and friendly banter with a lot of my friends have revealed an astonishing fact to me. MEN DO NOT GET TO REALLY ENJOY SEX!!! Hold on ladies, lemme break it down. lol. Yes we want to supply koboko to everything in a skirt, but what I mean is that there isn't really a lot of guys that really settle down to enjoy sex when in bed with a lady. Not a lot of us actually allow our bodies to feel those beautiful sensations and just bask in the warm embraces and caresses of a woman. Ok make I stop there. This is "The Adventures of Sugarking" blog, not Mills and Boon.

My point is we guys are mostly interested in the lady's after-sex mindset/conclusions: Good sex or Bad sex. And trust me, no guy wants to be described as bad sex. As a man, you want you name mentioned far and wide about your sexual prowess. That is why Cassanova's name still rings bells today. So in essence, all those oshelenge moves brothers be busting in the bedroom na just make she wake up the next morning, confess without reasonable doubt say the guy try.

The ladies are not making it any easier either. I can't count how many ladies have said to me "we ladies have had enough Sugarking, we're not accepting average sex anymore. It better be good or not all". A few added that they waste no time cursing homie out if he turned out to be shit in bed.

Because of this, brothers have resorted to Burukutu, Magannin, Viagra and the likes, begging Thomas John not to fuck up in some instances. Some friends talked about the Ego-smashing embarassment they suffered from 1-minute-sex, to being Mr-One-Round, to Mr-can't-get-it-up. I realised that with most guys it is not the physical shortcomings that is the problem. It is what she will say and who she will say it to the next day. I had a friend who narrated how he slept with two girls who where friends (but on separate occasions). he said he had suffered the One-round problem with the first friend, but was shattered to experience the same problem with the second. Warri boy and funny as hell (he reduced me to tears that day chai!) he said he found himself commanding his koboko "Johnny don't do this! Johnny look at me! Johnny I'm talking to you!" in his words "imagine say one day one day two of dem just begin yarn and dem come confess say me i fuck dem, then dem go come begin discuss my fuck up. Na God go save me if na only two of dem dey room dey talk am sef. imagine say girls just full the room!!!".

It's so serious, boys are spending fortunes on all sorts things even the media has labelled "performance enhancing" drugs. That is why we're asking you "You like how my dick feels inside you right, Tell me you love my dick baby" this is because a nigga knows what and what he as swallowed and drunk. By Jupiter you'd better be liking it!!! lol. Sha sha, It was generally agreed that The worst thing that could happen to a man, is to have a totally ready naked lady in his bed, and he not be ready. Boys are swallowing shit to avert that stuff. lol

I mean even in the news lately, with the case of Wande Coal's nude pics surfacing on the net. I can bet my last dollar that what pained him the most wasn't that he was apparently seen naked by millions, but that he was criticised for his "smallness"!! if the koboko on whoever it is in that pic was hung like a horse I know he wouldn't have had problems accepting it was him. Afterall it means more ladies for him na abi?

look at the kat Stacks/Soulja boy episode. it wasn't the cocaine revelation that got to me sef. drugs is all part of that industry, a lot of them do it there. He was just a scape goat for that. But no that wasn't what had me wincing. it was her reference to his sexual prowess. She said the man couldn't get it up and, that at one point he came too soon. Laughing sef. That was more damaging to the man's image than the coke sef. What face will he have to say to a chic tomorrow "hey sexy, it's Soulja boy, come over lets get it on". Warri babe go look am say "come on commot there! I don here your gist before!"

I think the only time men get to really enjoy sex is when they get married. I haven't heard of couples divorcing because of shit sex yet. lol. Well probably because they understand themselves and all. If Johnny no gree play, na to look film be that till Johnny is ready

But if its first times with a new chic, a fuck up is totally out of the question. Boys would rather have a girl come over to theirs and limp home next morning (him knowing her friends'll notice the limp and guess what happened, not to mention that "Good Sex" actually has the ladies running back from whatever part of the globe they are (verified by numerous chicks)) than have to worry everytime he catches her friends giggling. Men want to hear some screaming. say our names as your life is being pounded out of you, Mutter every name of God that comes to your head, (Osalobua! Jesu! Christi! Amadioha! e.t.c). we can't have you lie there biting your nails or tweeting (I just heard that one o!)

For most men, sex is a performance, a show aimed at pleasing the subject a 100%

P.s. I apoligize to anyone I might have offended with my profanity o! lol

The Landlord

2010-09-05T23:03:00.002+01:00

Ah, I've missed this place sha. I apologize for the long absence still. Una too much!!!

Ok so this post is not to blast my landlord or nothing.....nah rubbish, its to blast the buffoon jare. It's just me letting my blog fam know some of the things that's been happening around me. It's part of what this blog is for actually. it is not a rant o! This is not one of those iRant blogs abeg!

Yeah so y'all remember my post I put up sometime back with pics from my house that everyone was liking? and most of the ladies where wishing they could live in my kitchen? yep it's the same one and I'm still here. But I'm not happy living here anymore. I just handed the landlord the rent, and it was with great vexation that I did that. Aight so how has the landlord sinned?? I shall enumerate the reasons below;

1. So a nigga felt like he had some money to spare and decided to buy a TV, Got one of them 22 inch ones which now doubles as my laptop monitor too, and I wanted to watch TV, so I went out and got some antennas which were totally useless. I then deviced a plan to get a signal amplifier, take the lead cable from the external antenna positioned on the roof and connect to it, then connect another cable from the amplifier up to my room. (the amplifier had space for four connections) everything would have cost me not more than £25. I decided to inform the owner of the house who suggested I just get the TV man instead as its his job, e.t.c and blah bla blah. So I had him call the TV man who said his fee, to give me a connection from the antenna on the roof to my room would be £100. I bought the TV for £150 o!! and house no be my own o!!! I asked oga landlord, "what happens when I'm leaving? I disconnect my cable or what?" and he went "Well. its just one of those things, you'll just have to leave it" I was pissed.

2. So I had just stepped out of one super market like that, Somerfield, when I met some Sky reps by the door, and they had a sale thing going on. Virtually everything was going for free. The Sky box, installation, free landline calls (to landline numbers tho). Free internet for the first 8th months, plus I was to pay £20/Month for a TV package I had selected. So basically, I was getting all these goodies for just £20/Month. It was a sales period, outside of this, installations cost upwards of £40.

I particularly wanted the internet na, since bros no gree me look tv, I figured if I get a dedicated internet link to myself then I could stream live tv from tvcatchup.com. I have complained time without number to him about the shitty internet, but I guess he has his mind made up about that. He actually said to me once when I complained about the thing being slow, "There's nothing I can do Sugarking, my sisters's in IT, and she said the slowness is not from me" Mumu, I didn't say its from you, but you're paying for it, so I'm asking you to call the ISP and ask them to improve their services to you, or you move to another provider!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I had quickly signed up and was waiting for them to come and install the thing on the appointed day. that day eventually came and the technicians arrived as planned. Now I had informed my landlord prior to, that these guys were coming. And he was home when they eventually did. the guys were about to go to the back of the house to survey where to mount the dish, when my landlord halted them saying he didn't want any dishes on the walls anywhere. His excuse "they make the house look ugly" na so , the people carry their dish waka. I was pissed.

3. Well this is the one that really did it for me. Our (my twin and I) graduation was on the 23 of July and my mum was billed to come from Naija to attend it. So I had informed the owner of the house "My mum's coming for my graduation and I would love for her to stay with me for about 3-4 days before she moves over to my twin's to attend his (same Uni, different campuses). I noticed the funny look on his face sha I won't lie. he replied that he'ld think about it and get back to me. He would later knock on my door 15 mins later and say that he''d have to charge me £30 for her to stay with me. And oh, I forgot to add he meant PER NIGHT!!!! His excuse; "well, it means more amenities will be used; water, light...." he kept mumbling some other rubbish when I told him, i'ld get back to him.

Now you have to think, what extra water would an old woman use to incur £30 per night abi? and light????? Light wey one person go use for room na the same light 100 people go use for the same room. I told my friends and they finished me with yabbing mehn. "I for no even tell am" one said, "that man for no fit tell me that kind thing like say I dey that house" another added. A couple of my female friends went "that means your girlfriend can't spend the night with you, do you realise that?"

My mum burst a fuse when I told her mehn. "m'biata i'nyuchiri ya toilet??!!" (am I coming to fill his toilet with my shit??) she fumed. I had to beg her to be civil when she came over sef. She had sworn a showdown with him when she came. She eventually had to stay with my twin whose landlord didn't stay in the house. So on my ceremony day, she came into london with my twin, came to the house and i actually introduced him to my mum sef (you shoulda seen the stupid look on his face) and he knew better than to ask me where she was staying, cos I never got back to him on the issue at all, I decided I wasn't going to plead or even bargain. I was paying the man £350/ Month rent, I'ld be damned if I paid him an extra penny for my MOM (MY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to stay in my room for a few days.

I actually sort out a house with a live-in landlord when I was house hunting to be honest, because it is only in such houses that you have some level of sanity between housemates, oh and cleanliness!!! that's why the house is so clean. No one comes to see me and doesn't mention how sparkling everywhere is. I've been to a couple of my friend's places mehn and I really didn't like what I saw jare. lol. One thing I particularly hate to share is toilets. I find it absolutely difficult to actually seat on someone else's toilet. But then, he has apparently taken advantage of my niceness. I have never yet been late with the rent since I moved in 8 months ago. Not even by one day! I do not have any rowdy friends coming over everyday. Myself and the other two girls living in the flat are model house mates for real!

I was actually looking to move sha, but have now changed my mind, the reason being that I still haven't been able to secure a job (graduate job), and I do not want to move and then have to sign another 6 month or so housing contract, only to find a job in some other far away place. So I have decided to stay on till i find a job, then I'm moving ASAP!!!

So my people what do you think? Oh and please go ahead, tear him apart as much as you want jare. The man na tolotolo

I Love You

2010-08-18T13:01:00.002+01:00

So I was at work the other day and went out to the bar (from the kitchen where I'm stationed. I work as a chef at some pub, shey I don tell una before?) to get a drink, when Hayley, one of the bar girls, a white chic said to me "I love you Sugarking", I was taken aback a bit, but replied "I love you too hayley". I got my drink and made my way back to the kitchen, walked by Steve (another bar staff who's gay) who said to me "I love you Sugarking". Now I knew something was up. That was when I looked and saw Shenika, another bar chic laughing her ass off literally. She's a mischievious one and had set this up.

Now I knew the whole thing was a joke, but I couldn't help feeling some tingle inside when they told me those words "I love you" (hey, forget the gay guy!!!!). Just three words, and just a joke behind them, but there was no denying the impact they had on me.

Two days later, I had just finished my shift and was on my way out the pub when I said to Hayley, "I love you Hayley". And I just said it for no actual reason o, not that I was crushing on her or something, but you should have seen her reaction. Her eyes suddenly darted from my Adam's apple to my left and right ears, to my lips and then the tip of my nose, but never my eyes. I could tell where it hit her.

Was chatting with my friend the other day on Facebook. "I love you Tasha", I said at the end of our convo, and I could tell she was shocked because it was the first time I had ever said that to her. "Really" she replied. "Aww, thanks hun" she finished. I wasn't basically looking for her to say "I love you too" o, don't get me wrong, but this was just me carrying out a decision I recently made to start saying stuff like that to people. I say it and leave them to label the "i love you" from me however they want to label it.

My mothers last words to me as I got on the plane here (she's still alive o!) were the words "I love you". I was choking so hard with emotions I was confused at what was happening to me. You see, its not that she doesn't love me o, or that I doubted her, No. far from it, its just that those words are not in our family vocabulary. That was about the first time she had ever used those words on me. It was just mind shattering to say the least.

I've come to realise those words really mean a lot to whoever they are said. It doesn't necessarily have to have some sinister meaning. Nine times out of ten a guy says to a lady "I love you", 9 times out of 10 the reply is always going to be something to the tune of "err... ok thanks" or "dude, you don't even know me". And I ask, "must he know you???" or better yet "what meaning did you attribute to the words?"

And that I think is the problem these days, is that people do not talk to one another anymore. Human beings do not relate with human beings anymore. Apple and RIM have invented devices to further estrange humans from their fellow humans. Everyone has their Ipods in their ears, or they're eyes glued to some device bbm-ing virtual people on their phones. Twitter has come up with that "follower" thing, where people now wake up in the morning, look at the number of follwers they have, and feel a delusional sense of pride. VIRTUAL PEOPLE!!! people are behind their computer screens on facebook and twitter chatting to people they can't see. No one's going out to even attempt to try and meet people.

What happened to walking up to someone and saying "Hi, I'm Kemi, how are you today?". Na so I reach bus stop one day and met this chic waiting for the bus too. A very lonely place and it was just me and her there. I come look say e go dey somehow if I no talk anything na, so I said "hey, you ok?" and she replied "don't talk to me please".

You see, normally, I'ld just jejely accept my red card and mind my own business, saying in my mind "just brush it off ok, you win some, you lose some ok?" but I thought to myself "NO!" wetin she mean sef!!! I began to methodically explain to the babe how it was only normal courtesy to say hi. haba, wetin? So I for just come dia, sitdown make me and you dey look road? what would you have thought of me? what would I have thought of myself? I'm a guy, society dictates that I make the first move, I now have, and you're going to form activity for me? babe wey say she no wan talk before begin talk by force, it now turned to a discussion where I let her know (amidst some washing, asking her how she expected to be sitting there looking so pretty and not have me at least say hi) that we are still living on this earth, and that we all need to stop acting dead for a change. I sha managed to get her laughing at the end though. I think she saw my point small.

So abeg my brethren, can we all please make attempts to say hi to someone today? stranger or not, its probably the only thing they need to get through the day, getting them to relate what's on their mind. And I can't lie some of the best conversations I've ever had where with total strangers. Above all, say "I LOVE YOU" to someone today!!

p.s. Chai, see how I'm sounding like one of athem T.V evengelists.

Two Bus Stop Gists

2010-07-29T22:11:00.006+01:00

So I got on the bus home like I normally do, and took my seat behind this old bald man. He was black. The bus was held up a bit as other passengers climbed unto the bus. e never tey when the bus begin move when my attention was drawn from my phone which I had been fiddling with to some drama just in front of me. It was the old man I had noticed earlier and he was raising his voice at some youth (see as i call the guy youth. wetin me sef be? smh)

"Stop showing me your bottom!!!" he was screaming, pushing the young man away from his front (hope that's correct? "his front"? but you get the picture abi?) So apparently, the boy, was trying to form nigga na, and like they dress these days, he had his jeans pulled low so his briefs were actually on display. And because he could find a seat, he had taken the spot right in front of this grumpy old school papa, who apparently had beef with today's generation and had chosen to show his bottom as the man put it.

"Useless youths of nowadays!!, dressing so barbaric!!!" he seriously raged on at the astonished young man who didn't know whether to fight the man or swear at him. He got off two stops later still cursing and venting till the bus drove off. I couldn't stop laughing.

Another time was on the bus too, and this old lady was seating right behind at the back of the bus. We had gotten to some junction, when some voice came over the P.A that said "This bus is now on diversion, please listen for further announcements". What happened next startled

everybody on the bus including myself. It was a Scream so loud, I actually thought someone was having a heart attack. We all turned quickly towards the source of the noise to see that old lady marching ape like (don't shoot me abeg, she actually had an ape like gait). She was quite short too, and had coke bottle bottoms for glasses.

"Ah!! Driver!!!!" she wailed, shoving her way to the front of the bus. what was funny was the accent she spoke in. Yoruba. "Where did you say the bus is diverting to???" she asked the driver when she finally got to him. "Ehn???" she kept shouting apparently not hearing the white lady driver properly. By this time the whole bus was in hysterics at the whole episode. She spent

about five minutes getting the route specifics from the driver before heading/staggering back to her seat.

"Why are you people laughing??" she said to the whole bus in yet another yoruba accent, which only drew more laughter. I personally was in tears at the whole scenario. Grandma killed it!!!

p.s. So your boy had his graduation ceremony this past friday mehn. We thank God sha. Mom was in effect, killing the kitchen afterwards. Got to wear that useless gown and cap. mcheewww. was nice sha. Here's a few pics from the level sha.

The Man in the Mirror!!!

I was feeling my shoes bad!!

Yes o!!! shame to bad bele ppl!!!

Was feeling the suit too!

Na the useless cap be that. You notice this is the ugliest picture of the lot? I was so in a hurry to lose it!!!

Technically, Virgin

2010-07-04T22:30:00.003+01:00

First off, I'm all knees begging for forgiveness from everyone that commented on my last post. Comments that I am yet to reply. I'm not being pig headed or nothing, I just haven't been on blogsville a lot lately. Your boy's seriously looking for a job mehn. It's not even funny. So I've been doing applications and all to no avail. I'm still hopeful sha.

So for today's gist,

It was during the England/Germany match o, We had a barbecue back outside the pub where I work were we sold sausages, and burgers, and boy it was packed. Na so people full everywhere, it was difficult to get around, and to make matters worse, I was saddled with the hopeless task of picking glasses (cups). It wasn't funny at all. It was a good thing sha, because I did the most job applications every night I got home from those England matches. I just had to find a graduate job soon. I'm glad they lost sha. Na only when dem dey play I dey work like mumu. Make una help me ask Sugarking wetin Masters degree holder dey do as chef for pub na ehn? You people should pray for me o, abeg una!

Anyways, so I was making my rounds na, picking empty glasses when I stopped to chat to my colleagues, the guys manning the grill. I honestly can't remember what we were talking about, all I know is we had started talking about sex when I let out that I had never yet had sex without a condom. In short I would have been better off if I had said I had never had sex sef. "What??!!!" they shrieked, gaping at me. "Never ever??" they asked, "Never ever ever" I replied. "So what if you met a chic and you guys got all hot and heavy and there was no condom?" they asked again, "Then that's where it ends" I answered back.

Omo, na so this people begin yab me. No be small thing o. Gist that started outside now spread inside (to the other staff, when the match had ended and the place had cleared), and it became a debate about whether Sugarking was actually still a virgin. Some argued that since there had at least been some penetration, then condom or not, he's not a virgin. Some others argued that there hadn't yet been any proper skin-to-skin contact, and that no bodily fluids had actually mixed, that it was just rubber against skin, hence I was/am technically still a virgin. In short one other guy said It was advanced masturbation.

Then It was what some others started to say that baffled me most."Not every girl has Aids, Sugarking", "That means you've never felt a girl cum on your d**k before. Trust me you don't know how that feels". One guy said you can know how clean a girl actually is by questioning her deeply, Finding out her sexual nature, confirming if she's a freak or not and the type of acts she can get/has gotten up to then be able to tell if she's clean. "In this day and age???" I wondered to myself.

I have never had sex without a condom and have never been able to understand how people do it and go to bed and sleep properly. In the words of one of the girls that works with me, "Its just not comfortable". "For who???!!!" I wondered again! No be me dey wear am? and what is that rubbish about "IT" not being "sweet" with a condom? and quick withdrawal before he cums? Are all these people living in the same planet as me??? Am I the only one deathly scared of STDs and unwanted pregnancies on this earth??

I remember once back when I had just finished Uni and was about to go for my NYSC, and met Peace, one calabar girl like that. Well long story short, we had found ourselves in a hotel behind my house, (500 naira/hr) things took off and I had withdrawn when I started to cum (to show you as I dey fear reach, even with the condom on, I still won't cum inside a vagina, I prefer to bring everything out and then cum, just in case the rubber don tear for inside, and bros don offload gallon. hehe. Na triplet be dat na) came out and realised that my ni99a Thomas John had forgotten his rain coat inside Peace!!!! In short, the colour drained from me before you could say "Ndaa Leticia"

We managed to fish out the useless rain coat with the cum still inside, so apparently it had slipped off as I was exiting. Nevertheless, There was nothing you could tell me. I was more than convinced I was already a father of twins. Even the babe was starting to be pissed at me whenever we spoke on the phone and I never failed to ask "ehen, is your period here yet?" I don't even want to go into the STD fear with my knowledge of what she had earlier told me about her sexual history. Three months later I was in the hospital for a HIV test (yes I was that scared!) Na small thing remain, I for throw back dive inside doctor office when the test came out negative. Na im this people sitdon here dey tell me say I be virgin??? No wonder the UK is full of teenage pregnancies. Everywhere you turn is a kid pushing a kid in a buggy. And I know kids here are promiscuous from as little as 11, but it beats me how they never believe in condoms. I mean you can have all the sex you want, we all know it's sweet, but must you carry bele???

Like I said to them, till I'm married and well, Normal na, we go don go do blood test and all, YOU COULDN'T PAY ME ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM!

So make una tell me my brethren what do you think? Am I still a virgin?

P.s. Ehen, I know say people go talk say I too dey show myself, but here's a vid I did with this mai mai camera I just got jare. Em.... it was Directed, edited and Produced by yours truly. I really had fun doing it. Enjoy.

Have a great Week ahead me lovelies! I shall find time to visit y'all blogs soonest! promise!

The Mad man on the Bus

2010-06-16T23:36:00.002+01:00

It was 9.45 p.m two days ago, I had just finished from work after a hectic day and had gotten on the infamous bus 53 on my way home. It was quite a packed bus sha. Apparently people were on their way home too. I had to stand, myself and a couple others as all the seats were taken. It was then that I heard a phone ring behind me. See I'm not saying I haven't had a phone ring near me before, but it was just some weird type of ring tone on that phone mehn. It rang again and I just had to turn to see the owner and what type of phone it was. I was amazed at what I discovered.

The owner of the said phone was a man in his mid 40's thereabouts. And no there was no phone, he had rang himself and answered his call, WITH HIS MOUTH!!!!! I stared in amazement at him! Get me he was both caller and callee!!! He sounded like he was a cop taking an emergency call on his radio from head-quarters, directing him to check some domestic disturbance issue at some location. I turned around to see whether anyone else was as taken with this development as I was, when I locked eyes with an old lady who pointed a finger at her head in a circular motion. Then it dawned on me, SUGARKING WAS NOW WITNESSING HIS FIRST MAD WHITEMAN!!!!

What's funny is that I had often wondered what an oyinbo mad man would look like. The picture of a mad man from back home was simple and clear; a stark naked dada man trudging the streets from one end of the state to another, his koboko swinging from side to side like no man's business. Hell, I even remember once when I was much younger, 16 I think, and we had gone home, my whole family for Christmas. So it was Christmas day and we were all in church (damn, I miss those days sha. Look, I can't even describe it, forget all those things they do in the city churches, but you knew you were in church, when you were IN the village church! from the reverend's sermon to the choruses!!!! In Igbo!! What I would give to see them days again!) So we were in church like I was saying, when Dee Ntu waltzed in and made his way to the altar.

Now you see, Dee Ntu, was the village mad man. (Noticed that I refered to him as dee? dee is igbo for "elder". Now forget that he was mad, but dem no born you well say you mention dee Ntu name, you no put "dee" for the front. Chai, Dee Ntu will show you that your own madness is no where near his own, you will go home to your parents who will still beat you shege for not reverencing the man properly, not to mention that it would be told in the whole village that a mad man beat you. Just picture that first. No I'm waiting. hehehe. Igbo people don't mess around with respect o. lol.) I can't remember exactly how he went mad, but everyone knew he was a mad man.

One of the wardens immediately ran and intercepted him, trying to steer him away from his mission to the altar. "Dee Ntu bia, bia nununu, Dee Ntu! Dee Ntu bia!" the warden said. Dee Ntu didn't find it funny one bit. "Unu ahula (have you people seen) what they are preventing me??" Dee Ntu protested, Kanye-shrugging and exiting the church. You had to be there to understand how funny the whole episode was. My brothers and I were cracking up in our seats. Dee Ntu killed it!

But this white man was well dressed, well fed, well kept and looked well presentable. I wondered why he wasn't in some institution or something with the excellent healthcare (compared to urs sha) they have here. He was even riding the bus!!! Imagine a mad man sitting next to you in a molue stark naked asking you "fine girl, na where you dey go?" lol.

P.s. Yeah So I got interviewed by the delectable Sting at/from Blog(s)ville. If you haven't been there, please see here!

And I want to correct some errors I said on it with regards Roc Naija. What I meant to say was him saying he sucked at fiction hence only wrote real stories not "Some of this is true and some are just fiction" as seen on the interview (my mistake not Sting's)

I also want to say that I wasn't implying Nice Anon was a guy (we all know she isn't), I was only trying to make a point that I personally do not stress to find out how real or fake the blogger is, I am only interested in how they write what they write. Apologies if I offended you guys!!!!

Sexual Formings

2010-06-06T12:55:00.003+01:00

First I wanna thank everyone that actually thought to nominate me for the blog awards. I got nominated in the "Controversial" and "Humorous" categories. Thanks a lot guys!!!

Now to today's post:

"So you don't have a boyfriend?" I asked my friend Kemi "No, not at the moment" she replied. "So how do you manage your conji?" I asked. (a question that I for some reason seem to ask every female that says to me they don't have a man. I find it really curious. lol) "Nothing" she replied "You use your hand or a vibrator then?", "Me? God forbid!, why would I use my hand when I can go out and get it? No o, I don't do that abeg" ("look at this mumu" I thought to myself. "Didn't you just say you've been single for the past 6 months? Why haven't you gone out there and gotten a man to have sex with since??!!!")

Most girls claim they have and will never go down on a man. "Ewww" they say. Most guys like to claim they would never go down on a girl with pubic hair, and I can't help but picture how a guy meets this one hot chic at the club one night, She has the biggest back and front ever seen on any lady, she has the shortest dress on so that her thighs are sweaty and gleaming off those disco lights, she's grinding on him so mad he can't breathe, then suddenly she stops, turns around and whispers in his ear "lets got to your place". They hurry off, get in a cab, he starts to fondle her, she slaps his hands off "wait till we get to yours babes" by this time homie is literally bursting with excitement, they get to his, she drops her clothes within a second of getting in, turns around to face him, lo and behold, she has quite some bush down there, and bros rushes out the door shouting after the driver to come back and take her back home? yeah right!

The one that gets to me is when my fellow men claim they NEVER masturbate! You'ld think it was equal to bathing with dog piss! NEVER EVER! they claim, also coming up with the excuse, "Why should I masturbate when I can go out and get a girl?" "Oya come go get the girl make I see you na? You sabi get girl na im you follow me sitdown here dey smoke my igbo finish abi?"

I've got these two friends who live together, and one of them has a habit of recording his sexual sessions on his laptop which he has facing the bed through which he was also playing some slow music, but while also recording, unknown to these girls. So the other one had brought the laptop to school one day to do his coursework with when he went, "ehen, SugarKing come see another video wey sexy (that's what he called himself. lol) do last night". Omo, come see as the babe just dey get into her zone mehn, screaming and thrashing and all. But that's not where I'm getting to with this. It was the first few moments when the video started. It was "sexy" facing the camera, setting it up and all, and saying in hushed tones what he was about to do (the girl was getting ready with a shower I think) and while he held the mouse in the right hand, he was actually stroking himself with the left! perhaps warming up. And I said to my friend "Him dey wank abi wetin?" it was his reply that shocked me. With a vigorous shaking of the head, he replied "No! him no dey wank" I had to stare at him "do my eyes deceive me or what? He clearly is stroking himself on camera and your defending him so strongly! HOW WOULD YOU SO KNOW HE DOESN'T WANK? IS THERE SOMETHING YOU BOTH HAVE BEEN UP TO IN THAT YOUR HOUSE?" I asked the man. lol

I mean, what's the big deal if you go down on a guy or if you masturbate or you use toys? It's all sex isn't it? It is all aimed to please, whether it is our very selves or someone else. Especially guys that claim they Never masturbate. I can understand that its a once-in-a-while thing for you, but NEVER? that's a bloody lie, and we both know that. lol. What's so sinful about it sef? It's sex with yourself, not to mention that it is the safest sex out there these days, so what are you talking about?

I had a friend narrate how a girl (whity sha, u gotta love them! lol) flipped him on his back, lifted his balls out of the way and proceeded to give him an "Ass wipe" with her tongue! (yeah, I can hear the "ewws" already lol) No be person born them?

These days when I meet people that swear they don't do this or they don't do that, I can't help wondering aloud "Do they still make people like you? Really?"

Granny on the Dance floor!!!

2010-05-23T22:08:00.002+01:00

So I was at that my now regular whity club last night again. Went with a new friend this time. I had told him how nice the place really was and we had made plans to visit there again. So we got drinks and found an empty table. Omo, I was just scanning the room when I noticed a granny on the dance floor just a few feet from me!!! I know some people will start thinking its one of these 45 - 50 yr old young grannies or something now, NO!!!! This was a proper granny! To say she was well aged would be an understatement, she was "Grannified!!!" As in, even her dance steps were just old, her eyes, droopy chicks, wrinkled face, dressing all reeked granny.

I immediately set out to avoid all suggestive eye contact beckoning me to come over. Forget being kind to old people, NO! I will not be caught rocking a granny! Any attempts from her to even attempt to drag me onto the dance floor would be met by such vehement and violent resistance. I would snatch my hand away like a baby would when someone tries to wrestle a piece of biscuit from their fingers. I even had to rest my feet on the side bars on the stool. I wasn't having my feet on the ground lest my enemies say in the streets "we saw him on the dance floor with a granny". I waited till she had well left out the door out of the club till I put my feet down.

As in, wetin Edede (bini for old woman) dey find for under 25 club na ehn biko nu? Shouldn't she be attending some meeting or something? If she wanted to socialise, surely there were gatherings of her age group somewhere na abi? Maybe I'm just being silly, but make una help me think am na? Where did they write in the bible that SugarKing would have to put up with such embarassment? Its not my portion jare (swipes fingers over head)

One other drunk white guy just kept catching embarrassment upon embarrassment in there mehn, it was just painful to watch. I don't know why drunk people, especially drunk white people can't seem to keep to themselves when intoxicated. They always have a story to tell you, shouting (oh and spitting) at the top of their lungs into your only pair of ears. Anyways I saw bros approach two separate girls on different occasions and read the girls lips on those two occasions. It spelt the un-mistakable, serpent-like hiss, "FUCK OFF!" after which he'd saunter off in the most ridiculous of retreating dance steps. I have a tendency to feel such embarrassment on behalf of people sometimes. Funny I know. As in I actually cower away in shame almost as if I was the very person being told off. This is why I don't approach just any girl in the club, no matter how hot the song the DJ just threw on is. Such things can send me on week long hunger strikes, cursing myself for not minding my business in the first place. If I approach a girl I have to make sure she'd been staring at me till it was now un-comfortable. Even at then, making a move is still like rocket science to me. (true story) Anyway, on another tip a whity had been staring at me at this party I was at 2 weeks back, and I had managed the liver to go over and ask what my crime was, and her reply was "Well, I think you're hot innit?" omo, 3 days later my head was still swollen. chai, the insides of my belly was so ticklish ehn! lol

This other black girl was drunk beyond comprehension. She couldn't take a step to save her life, should there be a fire. She was staggering all over the place, pushing people roughly away from her front while she danced (if that was a dance that is) A lady for that matter! It was just shameless. Its amazing how women out drink men in this country and are proud of it. For my Facebook profile page every sunday morning na so so "Wow! what a night! got so smashed". All from ladies!! I'm yet to have a guy write that. Me I was never one for drinking. You couldn't pay me enough to get smashed as they like to put it.

Another thing I've noticed is how guys flock like flies to a drunk chic on the dance floor. I've heard ladies say alcohol makes them horny sha. So I guess everyone wants to be the one to take this drunk-out-of-her-head and horny-to-heavens piece of ass home. NOT ME Jare. Imagine say bros carry this one go house, and tomorrow she wakes up to ask me "Sugarking......why does my ass hurt?" No be you say make I put am dia? remember when you said to me "it's ok, I can take it?"come on stop it o! lol. But seriously, I'ld rather prefer a woman to be aware of what I'm doing to her, and etch my name in her memory for a while by propping her up on the wall and asking her to look down at my entire length disappearing into her (Tip! get your notes out!!!), Than have her pass out snoring underneath me whilst I try to decide whether to finish or just pull out altogether, and her not even remembering how she got to yours in the morning. Bloody hell, I might as well masturbate na. That's if she never call police come sef.

If you like yab me from now till Jesus comes (as some men just love to brag, I can't understand it) about my not knowing how to drink, you will simply be wasting your time. If e pain you too much, make you go push plane. If you no see plane, transformer plenty for una area, find one make you nak head put. The last time I got "smashed" was on my 21st. Three bottles of Star (yeah, I can hear some people say "only??") and I was so drunk, I went to bed drunk, Got up in the morning still drunk! It took me till 1 p.m for the "highness" to begin to wear off. I had this stone in my throat the entire period like I was about to throw up. Alchohol is the most mind bending thing I have ever ingested. You've definitely heard several stories of how people have no recollection whatsoever of a night of drinking's activities the next morning? Only alchohol does that. Not saying I don't drink at all o, No. I do. But I bring my drinking to a halt when my eyes at first start to see double. Bring the kpoli and we can go pound for pound jare.

Have a great week my blog fam!!!

A couple of short videos

2010-05-17T22:46:00.004+01:00

So I was at my school's computer lab the other day and this chic decided it was ok to flash. Me sef didn't have any qualms getting out my phone, and this is what I caught on my cam. When I finished, I walked over to her, tapped her and said, "Aunty, your pant dey show", picked my bag and went home. She was grateful still. She actually thanked me. (Apologies if this offends anyone o!)

I had taken a break from work when I went outside to make a quick phone call. I then noticed a man in the toilet who was acting rather strange, I got out my phone again, and here's what I caught. Its one of them mosquito screens so he could see me because he was standing so close to the window, but I could see him being far off. (I started recording late sha, apparently because I though he was just rolling some weed, but I became more interested when he put it up to his nose. watch closely what he did from the beginning and especially at the end). Funny thing was I came out to the bar and saw him trying to get a drink, acting all responsible. He was high as hell. smh.

It was the London Marathon two weeks back and here's me reporting live!

Ok, so this was at last year's Notting Hill Carnival. I'm in the white polo shirt and shades (glad I brought those shades jare, bare half-naked chics everywhere, how I for take look them?)

Yeah, so this really is why I wouldn't wish a twin on anyone. I was having what I thought was a peaceful sleep, and the man had the teeth to record me! In my sleep!!! I actually found it hilarious when he showed me the next morning. I could have sworn Venus, Mars and Jupiter that I could never snore like that.

I hope these videos all play for everyone. Happy viewing!!!!

FaceBook/Yahoo Chat

2010-05-06T16:20:00.006+01:00

So I was on FaceBook the other night when this white girl added me o. I confirmed the add and soon noticed that she was online and the following chat below ensued. Well I edited my name to Sugarking and took out her surname for confidentiality purposes I must apologise too.

Gemma

hi u ok lv

SugarKing

I'm aight babes

thanks for the add still

u good?

7:41pmGemma

is ok bbe

and ye bbe i am

SugarKing

sweet

so where' u from?

7:42pmGemma

in it wt u u t bbe xx

SugarKing

nothing much

7:43pmGemma

same just watchin tv bbe xx

SugarKing

sweet

where' u from?

7:44pmGemma

in it bbe xx

SugarKing

sorry?

7:45pmGemma

wt u sorry 4 bbe

SugarKing

i didn't get d last thing u wrote

7:46pmGemma

im frome cudworth u bbe

SugarKing

Nigeria, but presently in London

where's cudworth tho?

7:48pmGemma

barnsley bbe xx

SugarKing

nice

so do u come to Lonon?

7:48pmGemma

ye bbe xx

SugarKing

cool

so tell me a bit about urself if u don't mind

ur age

what u do

how u came to add me etc

7:49pmGemma

well im 14 im in skwl and ur fit

so tell me abou u

SugarKing

ur 14??!!!!!!

7:51pmGemma

SugarKing

goddamnit! what r u doing adding random strangers lady! don't u read the news?

7:53pmGemma

ye so

SugarKing

Ur too young babes, seriously

there's crazy people on here

and what'd that "ur fit" stuff

u go around adding fit guys?

7:54pmGemma

ye y

SugarKing

ok...em..I will now proceed to delete u ok?

pls don't be offended, but ur quite too young for me to do anything with

7:55pmGemma

i only wt t be mates i dont go 4 ald giys bbe

SugarKing

U might be the police for all I know

7:56pmGemma

i wt t be mates thats all and im nt the police

SugarKing

what's 26 - 14 lady?

7:57pmGemma

12 y

SugarKing

that's d age difference between us!

got any older sisters?

7:58pmGemma

ye 1 y

SugarKing

how old is she?

7:59pmGemma

wt did u send

SugarKing

how old is she?

7:59pmGemma

16 y

SugarKing

chai, another small pikin

yo, tell ur Ma to add me then

I am right now deleting u

8:02pmGemma

she at gt facebook

SugarKing

thanx for the "fit" compliment, but I wouldn't be caught messaging a minor on facebook

na wa o! 14!!!!!

omo, e go be u hear?

bye!!!!

Gemma

bye

So I was on Yahoo Messenger also when one of my pallies holla'd. He's into music and my brother and I have worke with him before giving him beats. I had been talking to him a while before this and he said he was working towards getting his songs on one of those "Naija Mix" cds known to contain all the latest mixes, and are favourites with people whp would rather buy all the reigning hit songs in one album rather than buy all the individual albums from the various artists.

So I was excited when he hit me up on Yahoo msngr an was about to ask how far he had gone with his plan when it dawned on me that the person I was chatting with, was in fact a stranger. The convo just seemed a bit weird. First off, he was addressing me in english. Me and that guy never spoke english, na pidgin we dey blow all the way.

Then I realised what was going on. This person whoever it was, had hacked my friend's account and the link he was now asking me to click on, would expose my computer to viruses he must have written, which could then self-install themselves on my PC, and proceed to do things as send him e-mails of my passwords to my bank accounts, FB, Gmail, Yahoo mail, and whatever else I have.

What this idiot hadn't bargained for was that he was dealing with a Master's degree holder in Computing. I spotted the trick even before he could say Jack Robinson, chuckled to myself and the following convo as seen in the screen shot below followed

Bus Stop Gist II & Other Randoms

2010-04-26T14:26:00.004+01:00

So, I think I need to make these my bus top gists a regular the way I keep having these ridiculous experiences at the stops, on the bus, the train station and all.

BUS FIGHT

So Myself and Emeka, one of my pallies where on our way to a club where another friend of ours was having a birthday party. As usual, we got on the bus (I love them buses jare). The 436 (not really sure, as I have never been on it before). We had gone a few minutes from where we got on when a couple and their friends, another male and female all got on the bus. There were no seats available, so like me, they were all standing, holding on to the poles within. Well, the couple seemed to be really feeling themselves the way they were kissing and rubbing up on each other. Me sef was enjoying the show though I took care to employ what I call "controlled looking". I think I saw him squeeze her bum about 3 times or so.

Anyways, sitting right behind them was a bearded man, a bit elderly from the way he looked. I could guess he was a muslim from the length and style of his beard (no disrespect to any muslims o!) I could also tell, he was pissed at the couple doing all that "rubbish" in front of him. The next thing that happened was bearded-man getting up, and I thought he was perhaps changing seats to be out of sight of the couple, but he had brushed past them roughly on his way. I don't know if he did that on purpose or it was just a mistake, all I sabi be say, Man-with-babe let out a volley of obscenities almost immediately mehn, "Fuck you, you stupid cunt!", In my mind I went, "Uh oh!". Bearded-man wasn't taking the insult lightly, so he shoved man-with-babe, and man-with-babe responded with a shove also, and connected with a punch to bearded-man's jaw as jara, all in rapid succession. Before we know wetin dey happen, man-with-babe's pal who had been in-conspicious this whole while sprang up from no where, grabbed bearded-man by the back of the collar, dragged him to the front of the bus and kicked him outside (the bus had stopped now). It all happened so quickly and had left me rather stunned.

I was further stunned to find that my pal Emeka had dissappeared! It was when I looked behind me, that I spotted him far away at the back of the bus laughing at me. It beat me how he had gotten there in so little time. So na so we come continue our journey o. We had gone two stops from where they chucked bearded-man out, and the bus had stopped for passengers to get in, when passengers including me where startled by a loud banging noise on the windows, I looked outside to find bloody faced bearded-man outside with a rather huge plank in his hand, beating on the windows and beckoning on man-with-babe to step outside. He had run two stops after the bus!!! and it was quite a distance!!!!!

ANOTHER BUGGY MOM

All these buggy moms won't kill me sha. So I had gotten on the bus home from work and was on the queue behind this one rather young (are they not all?) buggy mom who I had to wait for to push her buggy onto the bus. Well she eventually did and I headed up to the top deck so I could enjoy the view. I had just settled into my seat when I noticed buggy mom come up and take the seat in front of me! There are spaces for buggies on these buses and seats right next to them specially for buggy moms. She had come up and no, she was without her baby! She had left the baby by itself downstairs!!!!!!!!! She settled her self comfortably in her seat and had proceeded to chat to someone on her phone. I looked round in astonishment to see if anyone had noticed what I had noticed. Sadly It was just me. Una needed to see me, my jaw was hanging open as I stared at the woman with utmost dis-belief!

SEX SHOP GIST

So it was a friend's birthday Last week and I had gone to a sex shop to get her a naughty gift. A "church" babe, and I knew she would be getting bibles and all other normal gifts, but I wanted to startle her a bit. Omo, na so I arrive for this shop mehn!! Chai, come and see vibrators and dildo's of different makes, designs, sizes and colors!!! There was this brown one I stumbled on that brought me to a total halt. Damn! that thing was something!! If someone had told me I would ever envy a vibrator as I founded myself annoyingly doing, I would have invoked thunder on them, walahi!

Anyways, so I picked out one blue one sha, a medium one that wasn't too expensive, and proceeded to the counter to pay. The cashier, a tattooed male probably in his early 20's, scanned my item on his machine and then asked if I wanted some lube. I was still fumbling in my pocket for my wallet, and answered rather absent-mindedly that I didn't want the lube. I mean, she should be able to get wet enough while using it to not need lube, I thought to myself. I suddenly snapped my head up at him, now in shock at what he apparently was insinuating. "No...em....nah it's not for me" I stuttered un-controllably. I could see my arguments had flown past his head from the way he said "sure". The look in his eyes said it all "Yeah right, I see all you horny, perverted bastards come in here and buy this shit pretending its for your wives and girlfriends, we both know where that vibrator's going homie, stop fronting!"

PUSSY CAT CHIC

I really love white clubs jare. The attitude there is just so care-free, not to mention I literally don't have to "dress-up" at all. I can't try that at a black club na. In black clubs you come dressed to kill or not at all. So me and a friend (the same one I went to the vagina-smelling club with) where at this white club getting really pissed at the really shit DJ. We couldn't complain though, we paid just £5 to get in, so we really couldn't complain. E never tey when the white chic next to me nudged me and said she had a mice tattoo and if I was interested in seeing it. I replied that I wouldn't mind, and right there, she proceeded to roll down her tights just a little bit down from her panty line (on the left). I bent to look, but couldn't find any tattoo, she apologised and said it was to the right. We went there and couldn't find any tattoo either. I was starting to wonder what game she was getting at when she went "Oh, I know!, the Pussy ate it!" I didn't latch on to it at first, and then it just hit me! "THE PUSSY ATE IT!!! what's even funny was what came out of my mouth next "Awww, baaaad pussy" I said wagging my finger at her. Sweet Turkish babe sha. Full of hysterical laughter and all. She had come with some friends from work for a girls-night-out thing. Said he had a boyfriend. She volunteered that "vital" piece of info herself sha. lol

Have a great week ahead my lovelies!!! I love y'all!!!!

P.s. Here's another Beat Vid I made also.

My Room

2010-04-11T22:04:00.012+01:00

Chai, its been two weeks since I was last here. I have some blog catching up to do, Its why I love being here, to read excerpts from people who just love to write about any and everything. Una too much!!!

So My birthday was very uneventful I must admit. I woke up feeling the same way I felt just the day before. Same toilet, different sh!t like some people go talk. But basically, I had been to and fro with this Naija artiste by the name of "Shakar El Swagga" the week before, and he had requested some beats, a funky house beat to be precise. I had sent him a couple which he had rejected (He's very picky about his beats sha). So he had asked for some new ones again, and I quickly scrambled 6 beats at about midnight and sent them off, knowing fully well he'ld reject them again. (The man said he had rejected beats from Terry G!!!!).

So anyways, I was on my way to work the next day when bros called me, and alas! he liked every last one of the six!!! In short he said he was having problems making up his mind which to use. So he asked to come over to mine so we can put ideas together and flesh out the beat. I got my twin over, and together we knocked out a monster of a beat mehn, it was just mad! He recorded the song two days later and sent to us. It was smiles all over my face when that song came on. It was/is by all standards a hit!!! He plans to release it in July, and if it is well received by the Nigerian public, then we (my twin and I) would have formerly arrived.

So we finished the beat at about 12 midnight, saw the man off and were lucky to even find a chicken and chips joint open at that hour. we got some takeaways and went home. That was how we spent our birthday.

So I want to thank everyone for the Birthday wishes too. Especially those that actually texted (that's why I put my number on there!!!!) Nogo Blogs, Exschoolnerd, CaramelD, Nice Anon, Fragilelooks, Omotee (heaven! I hope I haven't forgotten anyone o!)

Yeah so I'm borrowing from my dear Sugabelly (heard she's been in a fight lately. lol) on this post. Was gonna do an MTV cribs-like thing and show y'all how I live and all, but couldn't find time to edit the video, so I'm putting up pics instead. I hope you enjoy it.

Well, this is actually the stairs leading up to my room and leading down outside the house

Na the Kitchen be that

Living room/sitting room/dining room/ Parlour

House rules by My Landlord (living with the landlord keeps things in order trust me, plus there's always someone home)

My Three wardrobes (George, Georgia, and Georgina). dunno why the landlord put so many of them in here. Honestly, I would have been fine with just one.

Ah, Jackie & Danny. I just love when this thing and some coka cola (notice that I didn't say "coke" before some bad bele people think i'm talking about cocaine now. lol) get freaky inside my bele jare. Anyways, it still doesn't come close to the high Ms Mary Jane gives, in short lemme not even start. Please don't ask about the pink cups , they were the only things they had in the shop I went to. So one's my money pot, My pen jar and my "washing mouth" cup.

My little bedroom studio. The hours I spend at this desk is endless. Yeah, that's my lappy (notice the small yellow strip covering the webcam, yeah I like to surf the net nude sometimes, and I know people can hack webcams and all, I'm not about to have any peoples recording me naked. I'm running for president in 10 yrs goddamnit! lol

The "speakers" are KRK Rokit 5 Studio Monitors (not speakers!!!) A £250 birthday gift to myself. But, hey I'm a firm believer of "when you have a hobby, then invest wisely and generously in it.

The Drum machine is the Akai MPD24, my sampler, and the Keyboard is the M-audio Axiom 49 Midi Controller.

Notice the fur rug, to keep my feet warm.

My Shoes o jare, Notice they are ankle boots? and the white soles? I'm a sucker for those!!! The brown is the monoport Rocklines I got on Amazon and the black one I actually had on my feet as I stepped off the plane into this country. em...I'm not the owner of the white sneakers in the upper corner, I have no idea how they got there. Nah, SugarKing don't wear no miserable ass looking shoes.

My wardrobe. Jeez!!! Never realised until now, I barely have any clothes!! Need to go shopping sharpish!

Books I'm studying. Music theory, I wanna understand it from the grassroots.

I write songs, but Its always good to learn a few proven and tested techniques abi? That's what this one's for

No, I'm not turning an Atheist or nothing, but I like to be open to ideas u know, The author is giving reasons why there might actually be no God and people are just wasting their time. But quite frankly some of his theories are quite thought provoking. Great read still.

A Magazine about PropellerHead's Reason 4.0, the beat making program I use (sequencing software) Lots of tips on here. Good buy.

I'm trying to understand the promo/marketing type of this music thing proper.

Learning to play chords on the piano. Haven't found the time for it yet, but i'm hoping to make time.

My Sony PSP 3000. About my only source of entertainment besides my PC. I've got Medal of Honours, PES 2008, Fight Night and Street Soccer.

My big double bed, where I sleep......amongst other things.

To Cap it off, Here's a vid of me making another beat!!!

Bloggers I've Met

2010-03-28T21:56:00.002+01:00

Here's a post about bloggers I have been privileged to meet, Bloggers I want to meet, and Bloggers I, for the life of me, do NOT want to meet

BLOGGERS I'VE MET

1. CaramelD

CaramelD, or Caramel Delight for full measure, was quite delightful to meet, to say the least. Babe is one of the most down to earth souls I ever met. She has over 500 pictures on facebook and I'm yet to come across one where she wasn't smiling. The babe smiles even when she's frowning.

So I went to see her eventually one blessed day. Took the train and got to hers 2 hours later. That babe house far sha. We had dinner and some drinks, sat back to watch a movie and just talked.

Oh and did I forget to mention she was hot?? chai, come and see front and back! I was at her place for about 3 hours before I finally left for home. It was nice meeting her. We have since kept in contact. Great people, that one.

2. T7

This one is not a very regular blogger, but she's nice still. She came over to my place, we had drinks, talked quite a lot. What I really liked about her was/is her drive. She plans to be a senator/politician before 32 (or was it?). Elaborated how she planned to accomplish that sef. Genius plan she had there I tell you. She came off to me as an assertive type of person though. You know the type that likes to be in charge and in control? Yeah. She was really o.k sha. It was nice meeting her too.

3. Nice Anon

Well, if you've been to Nice Anon's blog, you know she was in London from America for a holiday and met up with me (twice). We had been back and forth on Yahoo messenger about her coming, and I was pretty excited to meet this "bag of trouble" lol.

So she gave me my own date (babe had tons of people to see, I was even lucky to get an appointment with her sef. Two appointments sef!!!) We first met up at my Uni. She had gotten there before me. I asked her to wait in the school chapel (a magnificient edifice I must add) because it was too cold outside. I got to the chapel and as I went through the huge doors, I noticed one chic backing me and pointing her camera towards the ceiling to get shots of it. Her hair was red and was flowing on both sides of her head. She had some really tight jeans that seemed like they were drawn on her body. The backa............was just something else.

She was about the only black person amongst the other tourists in the chapel. Me sef didn't even remember that I was in church sef. The next thing I know be say, Sugarking quickly said a short prayer in his heart "Oh God, abeg let the owner of this big thing be Nice Anon, Amen". She turned when she noticed me approaching, and smiled. That there was the fastest time any of my prayers had ever been answered!!!

We went from there to the Royal Observatory (right opposite my uni) to see the Greenwich Meridian. The so-called "centre of the earth". They had shut, so we went to get dinner, and said our goodbyes afterwards. She came to my house the week after, I made her some Fried rice (yeah, I heard some people calling me out for a "cook off"?? Lemme just warn, that I will not lose. I'm wicked with the pots! ask about me!! lol). Yeah, so we just gisted the normal things, guys, girls, blogsville, school, work e.t.c. She actually is all she portrays on her blog, funny as hell! She was sexy too! her eyes, and those lips!!!!

BLOGGERS I WANT TO MEET

1. Sugabelly

Ahhh, I soooooo want to meet Sugabelly. That babe drives me crazy with that mind of hers. I don't know how she does it. I noticed she doesn't comment on just any ordinary post. It has to be good enough to stimulate her mind to do some research and actually leave a comment on it. And she doesn't leave just a line or two, babe leaves enough material to make up an entire post sef. Well co-ordinated and researched things that just leave you gaping. That chic is bad.

2. Neefemi

I wanna meet Neefemi because.......wait lemme not even talk too much. Go and look at her profile pic and then come back here and ask me "why" again. No I'm waiting here. lol

3. Barefeet

This chic has some beef with me over virtually every post I've put up. She cracks me up tho. So Yeah, I would like to meet her and have her tear me to pieces over my posts.

4. Azazel

When I meet this man, I pray he smokes weed like I do. Hell, I'll bring the weed sef. I would love to just get high with him and have him expound on his theories about the God delusion, and other bible fallacies he has in that his head.

5. Leggy

Leggy, Seems to me like someone still in her teens. I.e. she never reach 20 yet. But its the posts she puts up these days that I'm finding really mind blowing. Posts that have me wishing I had written them. That's why I come on blogsville jare, to read some mind stimulating posts. Posts that make me actually wish I had put them up myself. Posts that make me laugh and some. Not rants and them other things. Leggy is doing that for me these days, and she's doing it well.

6. Beautiful

Em...because she's beautiful. Really you should see that babe. Fire!!!

7. Aloted

I want to meet ALoted and her baby!!! She said on my last post, that her baby girl found my Beat vid fascinating and soothing, and actually fell asleep listening to it. I had to send her a copy of the beat, fully mixed and mastered as some "lullaby music" for her baby. That was some major inspiration right there mehn. I was skeptical about going to get some gear for my studio, but this baby has allayed all my fears. I am going full throttle with this from now on! Thanks Aloted!!!

P.S. I do want to meet everyone don't get me wrong. I don't want anyone taking offence for not getting mentioned. I just really find the above mentioned people fascinating.

BLOGGERS I DO NOT WANT TO MEET

Em...no one actually. lol

So my beautiful boys and girls (where have I heard that? tales by moonlight abi?) what bloggers have you met and what did you think of them?

P.s. SugarKing is 27 tomorrow the 29th of March!!!!! It's funny, I don't even have anything planned. I'm really hoping my peoples will surprise me with a party or something, otherwise I go just go buy myself some chicken and chips for those pakistani people dem place and a bottle of wine, eat and drink myself stupid, go to sleep, wake up and continue my life....oh, smoke some weed too. lol

yeah so em...I would love to hear from you guys sha. seriously. Drop me a line at sugarking02@yahoo.com, or hell call or text me sef, +447949745703 (Ima have to take this down soon o. lol) And to all my bad bele people, (tho I can't think of any sef, but I just love to say this) if e pain you to much, you can go and nak ur head for transformer. lol

Here's wishing y'all a great week ahead!!!

Gist From the Bus Stop

2010-03-21T23:44:00.006Z

So first off, I had just reached the bus stop the other day and was waiting for the bus 53, when I turned, and was rather startled at the woman standing right next to me. It was even amazing that I was sort of startled sef. It was obvious I wasn't the only spectator she had too, as people, mostly white were walking past glaring at her. But my brothers and sisters, the sight that had caught our attention was a woman who had her baby strapped on her back with a wrapper, "naija style". I didn't need a magician to tell me she was Nigerian from the wrapper she used. The baby was sound asleep jare. Well I could understand the whity people dem wahala, because the normal thing for them is buggies, so perhaps they thought this "wicked" mother was trying to strangle her baby.

I, myself was startled because it's been quite a while I beheld such a sight. I was starting to be embarrased a bit when I quickly snapped out of it. The woman stood there with her chin up high jare. She was staring every and anybody back boldly. The baby was very comfortable. Heck! it was fast plus sound asleep! why were people staring like mumu? I stopped to think the scenario through and was suddenly proud of her mehn. seriously.

For one, should war suddenly break out at that moment, there and then, that woman was more than comfortable to sprint to safety, herself and the child, she would be able to move much faster. Buggy Moms on the other hand won't find it so funny. In short they would practically have to pull their kids out, abandon the buggy before taking off. Before then, Mama Nkechi don reach house bath the pikin, stretch am for bed sef. lol

Aside from breast milk, I also think such baby carrying methods help for better bonding between mother and child. They need to smell their mother's body scent and feel their warmth. But everywhere you go around here, you see mothers pushing their kids far off in from of them. No body contact whatsoever. Some buggies sef have the kid sitting so that they're facing away from the mother. What makes you think they want to see that half naked fat man jogging in front of them, or the that stupid people waving at them? lol

This is why our mothers back home are able to say to us when we fuck up, "I carried you on my bare back when you were a baby you stupid idiot! And then we feel some sense of shame, when we actually stop to picture that. Now let's see the whity mother's version, "I pushed you around in that remote control, automatic reclining, £300, 3 wheeler buggy u idiot!" hello?? You pushed them away mom!!!! lol

The second gist, and this one really pissed me off was when this Mom (black) brought her little daughter who couldn't have been more than five unto the bus and took a sit beside me at the bus. They had a suitcase with them, so I felt they must be on a journey. The kid had a kit kat to eat and soon fell asleep on her mother's arm. We hadn't gone far when I heard "kpai!" not too loud, but I had hear it regardless. I thought it was nothing until I heard it again. I turned to look and caught the woman repeating the act again. Then it occured to me what was happening. Apparently the kid had that situation where she sticks out their tongues unconciously. I think in Naija we call it "oborlor" (not sure that's the spelling but you get the picture). And this stupid woman thought the best way to rectify that was to slap the child's tongue in???!!!!

I was livid with rage! Imagine the torture. That's actually a form of torture used on un-cooperating criminals in some societies. They have someone standing over them or something who tasers them with volts of electricity anytime they even slightly begin to nod off to sleep. By the time they do that to you for close to a week and you haven't slept for even a minute, no be person go beg you make you talk. And that was exactly what this woman was subjecting her child to!!! Walahi, if I had child services numbers, I would have called them there and then!

On the third gist, I had gotten on the bus on yet another day, and made my way to the back of the bus (where I love to sit, apparently), took my place between the two indian men. Omo, e never tey when this stench hit my nostrils mehn. It wasn't even funny. It was a thick, dark dirty green smell. A really bad smell I must admit. Na so I look my oga's flanking me and was starting to be really pissed with them. I think say na only onions and garlic them dem dey smell. So una dey smell like this too? Una well done o! Well, both men got off two stops later and I was all too glad.

It wasn't long before the smell hit me again. I was concerned now. The men had dropped off, why was the smell still here? omg! is it me???!!! It can't be!!! this baaaaad??!! since when??!!! I continued to perceive the smell and decided to at least try and find where it was actually coming from. That was when I looked down and noticed some dog-shit-looking arrangement close to my right foot. I then lifted the suspect leg up (I was the only one at the back now), and there it was! Situated squarely under my foot was some nasty looking dog shit. I was the one smelling after all. I had actually brought dog shit onto the bus with me. Beautiful! Is that why the men had hurried off so fast? I could just picture them like "All these stupid Nigerians, I think say na only 419 una sabi, I know no say una no dey baff too"

P.s. Here's a vid of me making a very quick beat. My main hobby actually.

I seriously want to apologize yet again for not replying to comments on my last post (yet) I still will eventually. I've just been really busy this week, I just love to update my blog to still let my blog fam know I'm still here. I still got y'all backs like I know (all my bad bele ppl can go and nak head for transformer. lol) y'all got mine. Una too much!!!

The Teaching Assistant Gig

2010-03-15T20:29:00.005Z

I started a 15 day teaching assistant job sometime in December last year and only finished just last month. It was at this college round my ends and I was gonna be paid a whooping £600!!! for just 15 days!!! So trust me na, as an Akpako man, I didn't waste time and went to sign up sharpish!

It was a programme designed to get graduating students into considering teaching as a profession. So we were required to just sit in class and assist the teacher in perhaps quietening the unruly ones (and you know every class has them), or in my case, helping organise english language classes for students whose first language wasn't english and boy were they battling with the thing!

At first I was all about collecting my 600 at the end of the while thing, but about half way through, I really started to think teaching wouldn't be that bad for me afterall. Yeah, I studied IT, but how many people end up with jobs they studied they're whole life for these days. Besides teaching is something where you are not under any stress whatsoever. You come into class, and just teach. It really seemed like a nice job to me. I had even taught during my NYSC days in the North, and it was fun. I remember one of my friends calling me to ridicule me about being a teacher while worked at a bank, and I said to him, "Useless you!!!, I walk into a class and close to 70 students, & 70!!! all stand up to chorus "Good Morning Sir!!!!", all you do is kiss ass over there were you are", from the second you walk into the place it's "Good morning Sir, Yes sir, Sir here, Sir there, you are under pressure to impress some big idiot in a tie, me I'm just here chilling" and the guy went speechless.

Anyways the point of this post is something that happened in one of the classes I sat in. It was a Biology class and the class had come to a close sha, but as was customary with the teacher, she through out a couple of quizzes where you were allowed to leave if you answered correctly. Well, the quiz was still in effect when this Somalian girl went "It's fucking 3.45! would you let us go already!!!".

I couldn't believe my ears!! I look the pikin, look teacher, look the pikin again. Teacher then lets the others off and keeps the girl back. She then begins to ask her what the problem was!!! And you could see the girls boldness still. With a frown on her face she says to the teacher "I don't know, I just that you get to me sometimes" I was really sad. The teacher then let her off saying that she would have to put in a report about it to the head Principal, and the girl storms off like "whatever, do what you want!".

The Teacher, Ms Jane her name was, comes over to me and even makes up for the girl's behaviour saying that she was a very nice girl still. I pondered the whole episode as I was walking home that day, and couldn't help wondering if I would still be alive today if I had attempted to attempt that with Uncle Mike back in Secondary school.

You see Uncle Mike was the year's Maths teacher. The name Uncle mike struck fear right into the middle of your heart. Uncle Mike beat rain, thunder and lightening out of you and told to you go get your father. Uncle Mike was the devil. No way, I don't think I would be here if I had tried that with him. Seriously.

All the teachers at the other classes I sat in were equally nice people. Too nice to a fault. They left themselves open for these kids to approach. I never had an approachable teacher coming up. Even at My Undergraduate days. You walked into, Professor Anyanwu's class/office anyhow, best believe, you got a proper scalding. One that would haunt you for a long time. These kids definitely didn't know good they had it. I wish I had that.

On another note, I've recently gotten into flier design. I'm looking to make money off it sef. Below are the ones I've done.

My first design. A bit rough, but I was impressed with myself still.

My second design. Thought it was ok sha, but I felt like it wasn't really gbaski. I was still searching for my own defining signature. (I know, I mispelt the "strictly" there)

Found it!!! Vectors! Got the inspiration from some artwork I saw on a bus, and decided vectors would define me. My latest work to date, and loving it!!!

I really think everyone should have/find a passion; Photography, Music, some sort of art, whatever it is and just go at it with all you got jare.

Have a great week peoples!!!!

On Ladies asking Guys out

2010-03-07T21:00:00.002Z

I know my blogsville ladies will dispute this, but contrary to popular belief, women asking guys out is not such a bad thing o! Honestly I think it’s the humblest thing a lady could ever do. And oh, let me say categorically now and here that I haven’t been toasted o! Lol. This is just some rational thinking brought about by an evening with mary. I swear that thing is such a mind opener. I wish all my blogsville people smoked the thing jare, una for see write-up wey literature nobel prize winners go dey envy.

Yeah, I really think it’s the humblest thing a lady could do. I mean look at all these love songs all over the world, all in different languages. Love, a topic on which countless songs have been written on, each new one as wicked as the last, Songs of eternity, used to woo women of previous, present and future generations. And ladies love nothing more than to be wooed. Even if na okada rider toast am today, she must tell someone. “Em, na wa o! Nkechi don suffer! I dey come from work today one bike man just dey toast me”. Believe me, if it disgusted her so much she wouldn’t have dared mention it to anyone for fear of being laughed at. But she told because even though it was a lowly okada rider, she still felt that little stutter in her heart, and she knows she loved it!!!

That being said, why are there not enough love songs by women to men? I swear that Whitney Houston’s new “Million Dollar Bill” is one of my favourites right now. “If I make you feel like a million dollar bill, TELL ME!!!” Why do we go and get that killer haircut, and carve our beards and moustache so straight you go think say na wheel balancing, why do we go and get all those Gucci shoes and TM Lewyn shirts, and all that padding up and no one is toasting us??? Abi you people don’t know we crave some toasting too?? When you see me looking nice. Even if na my shoe I manage to use water and cloth clean, say something goddamnit!!! Tell me you love my smile, say my shirt looks nice, say I smell nice, You don’t have to know me, just say something! I was at a club the past week and for some reason there where one too many old rusty looking old women in the club obviously there for some no-holds-barred fun. Some of them were cutting me eye sha and I was blinking like say sand enter my eye using style to turn away. The next day when we were together gisting the previous night’s events, me and my people, I couldn’t keep from announcing how I had managed to charm some old ladies. Even though a part of me, would form and say “No be me o! E no reach me like that”, God know say the thing sweet me small.

At one time, I had gotten this nice black jacket I then wore to the club the first time, and this chic sitting next to me, leans over and whispers to me "I like your jacket". The place wey that compliment sweet me reach, walahi I cannot print it here. From then on, I wore that jacket to every other club, party e.t.c I went to.

If I was with a lady I really liked and she knows, and I know she really likes me too, and I’ve been sending her these subtle “interested” signals she has been noticing with some “hmmm” here and there, Walahi, the best gift/thing/blessing e.t.c she could ever do to me is to ask me “so Sugarking, would you like to go out with me? Because you see, I’m coming with it, like society has thought us, Men and women, that it is the man’s job to ask, but I’m being rather hesitant and slow, the reason being mostly that I’m scared of you saying the big “NO”. That can kill a man trust me. It is the most embarrassing thing ever. You feel like shit and manure and horse piss afterwards. That’s why he’s asking all those subtle questions, so he can glean enough information to be sure that the “No” has a very low chance of surfacing.

Again, even after I have toasted and toasted till my mouth is dry, I still won’t feel like I’ve totally won your heart, when you finally agree because me sef i’ve heard several ladies say “Well, he’s been toasting me for two years now, so I said let me just pity him”. I don’t even need you to tell me that you pitied me sef because your actions display them clearly. E.g

Girl: So are you coming to my house today?

Boy: em...I’m not sure, I don’t know if I would go through there today, but I might stop by if I do.

Girl: Well, I was just asking sha. If you wanna come then come, if not, then forget it, It really doesn’t matter.

These and many other ingenious formings will she perform for a long time to come. But on the other hand, if she asked me out, OMG!! That is the best thing ever, because it means, she had actually thought of having something real with me, saw every possibility in it, and just couldn’t wait to actually get it off the ground. That is called, giving oneself whole-heartedly! There is no need for me to go through some rigorous toasting procedures, taking time to win her, then going through the process of trying to ascertain how much she really loves me. That’s why we exchange numbers with you and don’t call for days, hoping you will call first so we know you really like us, and una likewise no go ever call because you well know that is what we are playing at, and are not about to lose this important little game. That would look bad on your record. Mcheeeww!

But then I know the argument would be “if I do that, then he’ll go and tell his friends, and everyone will think I’m cheap and e.t.c and e.t.c. But you knew the guy very well na didn’t you? When you saw him, you knew he was the type to disrespect you like that, but still you were snared in by his “bad-boy” charms. In that case you shouldn’t be bothered who he tells or how he tells it. You’ve got the man haven’t you?? On the other hand there’s those of us that are humbled by that act, it just blows us away, you being sincere like that. Also important is the way it is being said. Are you being really shy, and evidently nervous, yet intent on telling him you really want him, or are you being slutty, childishly teasy and and just outrightly domineering about it? Because there’s a clear difference.

And let me state now that he should be someone who you know you have great chemistry with in regards to this whole heart thing. Someone who would be totally blown to bits that you were humble enough to even think of being with a rubbish guy like him. Don’t go asking someone who doesn’t see you the same way you see him and he says no and you say Sugarking said this and that. In short don’t even come to this blog again o! Those that have ears let them hear. Lol

But seriously ladies, all I’m saying is that we men crave some toasting too. Believe me, we do. When I step out of the house, please try and like something in me now ehn? O.k My teeth nko? I washed them this morning. Three times I did! What of my nose? My Perf nko? My shirt says “Rocawear” try and like that one na ehn? Like I said before, you don’t need to know me, JUST SAY SOMETHING!!!

P.s. Complimenting male friends is not what I am talking about in this post. Them you know, so they wouldn’t really appreciate it. I’m talking about that guy you’ve never seen before sitting opposite you in the bus, that guy waiting at the train station with you. They are the one’s that’ll appreciate it more coming from a total stranger as yourself.

Cheers guys!!! Have a blessed week!!!

Good Kids

2010-02-27T17:54:00.003Z

Ever since I could remember, I have always been a good child, my twin and I. We were/are model kids. I'm not trying to blow my horn or anything, I know a lot of you guys are good kids too, but it just worries me how some people grow up with the term "Bad child" stuck to them. It is utterly shameful.

Now in my definition, a Bad child is a useless, stupid idiot that has no idea how to handle his/business so much so that the family name is brought to disrepute. As in, dem fight for school and your parents already know you must be involved even before you reach house, Dem expel students for school, u sef follow, Person thing lost, na you thief am, na only you police dey escort come house, no be only you dey sleep around but na only your gist dem dey hear, You smoke igbo carry go slap gateman, e.t.c upon e.t.c. Foolish goat!!!

A Good child like myself (hehehe), is someone that does all of the above and many more, but never gets caught. Hell, you're just living right, but you're doing it in such a way that your family name is still intact. Your parents will sell their souls to vouch that you didn't do any of those things you're accused of. That's a Good Kid!

My brother and I were modest kids o jare. We never got in trouble. You never heard that Sugarking or his brother got in a fight at school. We were always top 3 in class, always looked neat, you could never find an inch of disrespect in us, we never stole anything. People kept saying to my Ma at church, "these your twins are soooo quiet" and she went "I hear... You need to follow me home and see!" But for real, we were that "stainless".

As we got older though, we both took to the normal vices that appealed to our age group then. Smoking, drinking, Women, I took to smoking weed myself. But I love how we have just managed to keep it from them all this time. Why should they know? They put in all their effort in raising us well, and we have actually turned out well, it would break their hearts to find their "spotless" kids smoked weed!!! I myself would die before I let that happen.

I remember once back home when I had been smoking when they had both gone to work. My Ma was a school principal, and usually came home at about 2 p.m, but on this wonderful day, Mom had closed a bit too early. My heart froze when I heard her all too familiar car horn outside the gate! Omo, my head went to work immediately! And it was remarkable how I was able to think up an idea seeing how the weed really dulls you one kind. So I hopped in the shower sharply. Well, it wouldn't have been much of a problem concealing my actions but weed gives a very clear and distinct giveaway that only like smokers can pinpoint -Dilated pupils i.e. Swollen eyeballs. This swelling causes an un-mistakeable redness to the eyes, plus it deadens the upper eyelid giving them that droopy look.

So you know your boy had to go greet Mumsi na abi? So I went out to the living room and the first thing she said to me was "Ah, Have you caught apollo?" to which I replied "No, I was in the shower and got some soap in my eyes", and she simply, effortlessly believed me. Why would she doubt me??? I have never given off that I was capable of such, so why would she doubt me?

Another time was when Pops came outside at night way after he had gone to bed, something he never does, to the front porch at about 11 p.m, where I was sitting with my la-la dangling between my lips. The God wey save me be say I just turned to look into the living room at the T.V when I saw the man heading towards me. Omo Usain bolt had nothing on the race wey I tear commot from that place that night. My twin was in our make shift studio making beats then and would later say he just heard something like a gush of wind run across the door mehn. And Pops came out and perceived the odour of my thing and blamed it on the boys in the compound opposite from ours "Those useless boys are smoking again" he said. I remained crouching in my hiding place till the man had retreated back in. When I came out my eyes had cleared completely of the weed. But yeah, why would he even stop to think that one of his sons had been smoking weed?

I am one of those people who study hard but do not see the fruits of their study. You know when you jack till your head block and you go for an exam and write to your hearts content and think you'll get an A, but the result comes and you find a Miserable C or D sef? yeah I am one of them. So I was a little downcast when I graduated from Uni with a 2.2, with a 3.4 G.P.A. Omo, I called my parents to tell them the news o. Omo I love my parents sha. "Come on, come home jare!!! don't you know that there are people that failed?? You have done your best, and your best is good enough for your mother and I" my Pops said.

In all honesty I did my best sha, but had a 2.2 still, and my parents recognized that it was one of those misfortunes one had to deal with. They knew my academic history had been remarkable from when I was a kid, so it was easy for them to let this pass. Would they have acted otherwise if I had been notorious for chasing women and getting into trouble when I should have been reading? DEFINITELY!!!

Like I said, I'm not blowing my trumpet on here, but all I'm saying is that our parents sweat blood and tears, working really hard to see that we get the best in life. Good education, food, shelter and a lot of other things. All they require is that we show our appreciation by simply being Good kids. Is that really too much to ask?

P.s. I wanna apologise to that special friend that took offence to one of my posts she read (It still baffles me how you stumbled on my blog though) but hey, here's saying sorry. I never meant to cause you any harm

Have a great week my lovely blogsville brethren, you have no idea how much I love una!!!

Many Things

2010-02-07T20:07:00.002Z

My people how una dey na? Hope the weekend's treating everyone fine?

Just saw this "All About Me" questionaire I did once on FB and tot to share it here.

The Basics

Hair Color:	Jet Black

Eye Color:	brown

Height:	5"9

Profession:	Network Administrator (I still dey find the job sha. Bloody Recession! mcheew)

Religious Views:	apathetic

My Favorites

Favorite Movie:	American Gangster

Favorite Hobby:	Music

Favorite Song/Singer:	Omo, na this Naija artists in am now o! I was in a bus the other day and this white chick was jamming P Square's "Ifunaya" in her headphones.

Favorite Vacation Destination:	Jamaica, The kpoli capital. I wan enter Amsterdam too. The second kpoli capital!

Favorite Animal:	Dog

Favorite Childhood Memory:	when I had my first.........about 11 I think

This or That

Chocolate or Vanilla:	what d hell??

Coke or Pepsi :	coke. I'm the coke man

Beer or Wine:	beer. Take one for my head join.

Coffee or Tea:	neither

Apple Juice or O.J.:	neither

Facebook or MySpace:	oh, facebook

Cats or Dogs:	Dogs

Boxers or Briefs:	Boxers man!

Rain or Shine :	Both

Chips or Popcorn:	not me

Salty or Sweet:	sweet b!

Plane or Boat:	Nah, I have a phobia for both

Morning or Night:	Morning

Movie or Play:	Movie

Walk or Drive:	drive

Money or Love:	hmm..........'d hell, I'm taking both!

Forgiveness or Revenge:	revenge, and served cold

House or Apartment:	crib

Do You?

Have Any Children:	One sec pls......nah, none dat I can think of

Smoke:	Wella!!

Drink:	small small!

Exercise:	a bit

Spend Your Life On Facebook:	hell nah!

Play On A Sports Team:	yeah, mine

Belong To Any Organizations:	yeah, mine

Love Your Job:	sorta

Like To Cook:	Yeah, my new hobby

Play An Instrument:	nope

Sing:	goddamnit man! no!!!!!!!!!

Dance:	somebody c my gun???

Speak Multiple Languages:	what d......!!!.

Have You Ever

Stolen Anything:	ok, yes..........well no

Been Drunk Before Noon:	oh yes!

Got Caught Telling A Lie:	dont lie, can't lie

Been Arrested:	oh yes!!!

Cheated On A Test:	very much, tests sef not just test!

Failed A Class:	............nah. Baba God no gree

Here's a couple of randoms o jare

1. Have you ever been in that awkward situation where you had a friend on Facebook before who you noticed online everytime you go online too, and you know they're online because you see that green indicator by their names to the right, and you know they can see yours. But you both never have anything to say to each other, so a mutual ignoring takes place. Until you perhaps say hi, and they go "oh, hi how have you been".

There's no beef going on o! at least not to your knowledge, but there's that awkward silence. Me I'm starting to think its rather rude sha. Its almost like meeting the person in real life but snobbing them an just refusing to acknowledge them. But what if you are one of those people that have a 1000 + friends and say 200 are online at the same time. Do you now go about saying "hi" to every last one of them? lol. Me sha have a method of taking care of things. FB has a feature where you can create groups and put certain disturbing people in and set it to offline, so they see you're offline but you have another group which you have assigned the big bobbi girl u added recently and all you favourite friends, which you set to online.

In my case, the online group, I labelled as "Good Friends", the offline group, I labelled as "Bad Belle People". I'm always offline to this people. They see me on the street like "Ah, Sugarking, ur never online on FB anymore" and I'm like "chai, I've been very busy lately. Will try to come online soon ok?" lol

2. Its funny how some guys sing certain songs. A perfect example is once while I was at work and we have a small radio in there and Whitney Houston's "Million Bucks" came on. Now that's a pretty bam song and part of the lyrics to it goes "If he treats you like a million bucks, say it!" and I remember my colleague switching "he" for "she" so it became "If SHE treats you like a million bucks, say it!". Another one is Estelle's "American Boy" feat. Kanye West. Another great song, and she sang "He said "Hey Sister. It's really really nice to meet you. I just met this 5 foot 7 guy who's just my type. I like the way he's speaking his confidence is peaking. Don't like his baggy jeans but I'm a like what's underneath them". A very catchy verse and I've heard guys substitute "He" for "She" especially when she nears the end with "I'm liking this American Boy. American Boy", it becomes "I'm liking this American Girl. American Girl".

Very funny, given that that's not how she sang it. Its obvious they are singing it this way for fear of sounding gay. I think, its just a song. If your'e going to sing it, sing it well or not at all. It sounds corny substituting "He" for "She" and vice versa jare.

3. I was chatting with a female friend on FB. She had new pics of her and a some guy on there. I remarked that he was cute and enquired who he was, because the guy was really good looking and all, and she goes "He's my cousin. hmmm, you think he's cute huh??" Now I know she was refering to the fact that I probably fancied the guy.

But I replied matter of factly that I thought the guy was cute. Period. With me, when I see someone that's fine, I say their fine, male or female regardless. I recognize and respect it. It has absolutely nothing to do with what parts of his body I want to stick my bits in or vice versa or if I'm lusting after him or not, with me the thoughts in my head is simply "Damn!! this guy must have bare chics around his neck!!!" as in he'll just walk past them and they fall in line behind him!

Here's wishing everyone a most blessed week!!!! God bless!!

Last Night at the Club (Whity Club)

2010-01-25T23:18:00.005Z

So me and my friend had been complaining to ourselves about how we hadn't been out in a while and how we needed to round up the gang and go somewhere and just chill and stuff, and the opportunity arose this past weekend mehn. So we went to one of our old joints to see what was popping there, if it was still banging and all, but e be like say we reach there too early sha. Hell, it was 11p.m and the place was scanty like mad. But it was just something about the place that seemed funny when we got in there. I noticed I was sniffing the air. I noticed my friend was sniffing too. I thought I knew what I was perceiving but at the same time couldn't really put my finger on it. It was when we had gone outside to go find some other happening joint, that my friend said to me "You be dey smell something for inside there just now?" and I replied that I did. He chuckled to himself and said "The place be dey smell Vagina Vagina bros", And that was when it hit me like a rock! It was exactly what I thought I smelt too!!! In short, it hadn't taken me more than 2 seconds to code that I was perceiving the thing o jare! It was shocking how he thought the same thing too! damn! how can a club be smelling vagina now ehn??

Yeah so we were about to hop on a bus to another place we knew when we went by this pub we knew so well. We were passing by and noticed flashing club lights inside it, and stopped to ask the muscle bound bouncer standing outside what was going on. He told us it was a club, and that it cost just £5 to get in. Una suppose see as me and my guy rush the door mehn. We got in to find that it was a white club! We knew instantly that we were in for some entertainment. We went to the bar and got a few beers (you hardly find beer in black clubs. Black people don't drink beer in clubs. We would rather spend all our money on Moet and all the other shit. Idiots!)

First thing I felt was the atmosphere in there mehn. As relaxed as shit. There were no heavily painted ladies in dresses so short with their crotches in full view, no breasts screaming for air because the dress is too tight, no ridiculously high heels, no aimless standing about, and definitely NO FORMING!!!! There was only young boys and girls, a few old people who had come to let their hair down after some hard week's work. They were in t-shirts and jeans, and sneakers and flat heel shoes. There was hardly anyone with make-up. Omo the dance floor was fire! The DJ was shit honestly, but oyinbo no send jare. My friend and I were cracking up at the expected out of tune dancing.

It was actually interesting to watch white people woo themselves though. There was this couple at the bar. They must have been dating or something the way bros kept touching her. You could see she was a bit shy how she feebly kept his hand from grabbing her body parts, but there was no mistaking that she was loving it. They left a short while later, and I couldn't help thinking the sex that was going down that night between them two. There was also the loud man who screamed "Oi!!! can I have a word with you sweetie" to a mature lady who must have been in her 50's or something. She pretended to be annoyed at him saying "Oi" to her saying to him "don't "oi" me mate", but she was walking over to him still!!! and he now started gisting her whatever he had to say, and it wasn't long before she started giggling. There was also the drunk guy who had lurched at a woman's breasts. I mean he grabbed a handful and squeezed hard. I thought she'd flip and raise hell and all, but no, she was just a bit shocked and that was all.

There were just a handful of black guys in that place and we all knew they were there for one reason only, the so-called "cheap white girls who loved black men". They were making moves still. Proper chatting up the girls and all. Me and my friend just dey one corner dey enjoy the whole episode sha.

But the one spectacular moment of the night was when I locked eyes with this 45-ish looking, dark haired, tall woman on the dance floor who was dancing suggestively at me. I mean she was dancing with some guy, but staring at me at the same time, with clear seductive smile on her face. The guy left to sit down somewhere and she was left dancing by herself, she and her friend, a female. She now intensified the looking the looking game we were now playing, putting her finger in her mouth and pointing it at me, winding her waist so slow, yet so bad. but it was when she grabbed her crotch and bumped it at me in some sexual manner that I almost caught a heart attack. Besides a slightly noticeable stomach, this dame was hot!!! I wanted to got to her but my liver failed me, so I sat glued to my sit letting her seduce me to pieces with her moves. She soon found another dance partner and shifted out of sight, while me sef had gotten distracted by other goings on.

It was about 5 a.m when my friend and I decided to take our leave. we got our coats and were standing just outside the pub for while when my lady and her friend tumbled out with two rather young looking boys. They were standing close enough for me to hear them ask the lads "Do you guys have some money??" They nodded rather sheepishly, and then one of the woman said "Well, lets get a cab then?" I stood there mortified!!

Still In shock, I turned to my friend and asked "You understand wetin happen there just now?" he replied with a hiss "Mcheeww, them go wait for you before abi?" That was when it dawned on me! The women were taking the boys back home for sex!!! I screamed.

Anyways, on some other note, I saw too girls fucking themselves on the bus this past week. Seriously. One said to the other "fuck you!" and the other replied "fuck you too!", and the first one replied "ah, go fuck yourself you stupid bitch!" and the other one said "fucking retard!" This happened right inside the bus to the astonishment of the other passengers! Mcheeww, oyinbo kids have no respect!

And on another, another note, My parents saw the picture of me below on facebook (my sister must have showed them), and my pops said I look like a werewolf (wherever he got that), and my Moms said I look like a Naija delta militant. I didn't find it funny sha. I muttered just two words to myself "God dey".

P.s. I wanna thank everyone for their comments on my last post "Pubic hair", they were utterly hiarious! Una just too mush!!! lol

May the Lord go with each and everyone of you this week, AMEN!!!

Pubic Hair

2010-01-18T00:11:00.005Z

Why do some women shave their Pubic Area biko nu? And before someone starts to cite reasons pertaining to hygiene, lemme ask a quick question, "So you don't know how to bath properly again abi?!!!" I mean some go through all the rigours with those scissors pairs and shaving sticks and waxings (which by the way I heard is quite painfull) just to have it bare!! devoid of hair!!! Mcheww!!

I know some ladies do it because their mumu boyfriends asked them to, threatening not to go down on them or some similar thing. Rubbish!!! I've met a few ladies who didn't like to shave and commended me for being one of the "rare" men who loves unshaven women. To me there's no such beauty as when a woman stand naked in front of me with that thick luxurious "under-growth" mehn!!! Hell, the thicker the sexier! Just keep the thing clean! I love nothing more than to just bury my face in that forest right there and just inhale till I've lost my mind! Plus I love to twirl the little strings around my finger and strum them gently o jare!

And I'm always uncomfortable lying naked with a chic with a bare "love below". It makes me feel a bit paedophilic. Seriously. Only kids are bare there. lol

This one chic, my friend, has the funniest reason for not shaving mehn. She said her mum had found traces of hair in the bath and had enquired of her daughter where it came from. She answered that she had just shaved her pubes, to which she received a stern warning, "shaving down there was a sin!!!!" her mom said. Lol

And to all those men that shave, well shame on you sha. I mean, you are single-handedly falling your own hands.

So abeg (and I hope this doesn't sound preposterous) if you shave abi you don't shave, please tell this humble assembly, together with your reasons. Thanks!

P.s Yeah, in some post back I said I worked in as a kitchen assistant abi? Omo, na so we dey for kitchen o, some order came in. below was what homie ordered.

Its o.k if you can't see properly, but yes, that's raw meat right there! This man has been in the pub on numerous occasions before and used to normal food, but I guess he must have felt a bit cannibalistic today to order this here today. I quickly got out my phone and snapped the thing so I can show you people before they took it to him o jare. Oyinbo people can crase sha!

Here's wishing y'all a great week peoples!!! Please remember to put a smile on someone's face this week. It could take a simple conversation!! Una too much!!!!!

The Phone Call

2009-12-13T23:11:00.000Z

So I was just chilling in my room this gone Saturday when I heard the first lines off the song by Rick Ross' "Hustlin", my ringtone (I swear that song is inspirational jare). I picked up my phone to find it was an unknown number. I'm not usually fussed about strange numbers calling me, so I answered it. I said "hello" and the voice that came over the line suddenly had all my hormones on instant red alert. It was a most musical voice mehn! There was no mistaking that it was a female's. "How you dey now?" she said, to which I replied " I just dey jare". You must understand that all this while, I still hadn't recognised the voice even though I was trying hard and fast to do so.

At last I gave up, and finally plucked the courage and said " I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but who am I speaking with?" and that all familiar question "So you don't recognise my voice again ehn Sugarking? all the chicken and chips together with all those oyinbo food has made you forget how I sound abi?" by now I was starting to apologise seriously, I had a rough guess about who it was, but I didn't wanna risk it for fear of failing. Because that would have worsened it actually, because if her name had been Grace, and I had mistakenly asked "Ada is that you?" The following attack would definitely have been "So who's Ada?? So I sound like Ada now abi?" So I put off guessing names.

I was still trying to apologise for not recognising her voice when honey hung up on me o! I tried calling the number back but it just rang and rang till me sef tire. Now I have no idea who rang me

So I've been wondering, what do some girls really want from us men sef?? How do you call someone with an unknown number and instead of identifying yourself right away, you expect him to be a magician and pin point your name. Because we be winsh abi??!!! and if he doesn't recognise your voice, wahala dey. If you make the mistake of mentioning another lady's name, That would be likie digging one's own grave. Una no sabi say almost all of una sound alike??? A large percentage of female's all sound the same on the phone. I have two female friends who are neither sisters, no blood related in any way, but keep fooling me everytime I call any of them. As in, we go don gist go far before she says, by the way this is Amaka sha. I am yet to stop falling for their antics just yet.

My twin suffered the same thing with a girl he really liked, who i think really liked him also. She had called one time at midnight (on the glo midnight call thing) and she had gotten a new number she had not yet sent to him. On this faithful night, the man was fast asleep, when his phone rang. half confused, and half dazed from sleep, he answered the phone to meet someone accusing him of not recognizing her voice when he sleepily said "who dey dia?". He broke the camel's back by actually hazarding a guess, which he failed completely. You would think it was a joke, but that was about three years ago, and unbelievably, that chick turned cold mehn! she distanced herself from the man till this day! and just because she called him and and refused to identify herslelf!

I know my blogsville ladies would never try that. Una 2 mush! abi una dey do am too? what are your opinions??

25 Things About Me.

2009-11-29T23:56:00.001Z

1. I have a healthy fear of bad belle people. Correct fear mehn. Never under-estimate those people!

2. I have this nagging feeling that this is my second time on planet earth.

3. I am seriously plotting my entrance on the Nigerian music scene as a producer. I'm learning to play keys, plus I'm studying Music theory now.

4. It felt like I was walking on water the first time I tried weed. I love weed mehn!!!! And I hate when people tend to put it in the same class as cocaine or Heroin or any of them other ones. These are all manufactured chemicals, that need to be injected, sniffed or swallowed as tablets. Marijuana grows from fertile soil. It is from mother earth. Planted, watered and cultivated like any other crop!!!

5. Despite people's opinions of me, I still like to think I'm a good person.

6. I despise people that get high but never buy.

7. I think that relationships are seriously over rated. Seriously.

8. I make it a point to be extra nice to people and grant favours because that way, they know they owe me a favour, and won't hesitate to reciprocate when I come knocking. It's called "Networking".

9. I have a sick fascination with lighters.

10. I like to think of myself as an excellent cook. Una need to taste the Okro soup I did this weekend!!!

11. I love when a girl reaches into my pants while we're kissing and making out. I find it so bold and deathly sexy!!!

12. I'm quite religious, but could never understand how people can go to church more than once a week.

13. I hate when people tend to speak to me with an accent that both they and I know is not theirs.

14. I believe whole-heartedly in Karma.

15. I love to kiss. Hell, I can kiss for days.

16. If everything else fails, I'll go into the Porn and/or Alchohol business. Them things sell. Ask around, Seriously them things sell.

17. I have an alter-ego. (I'm gonna do a post about this soon)

18. I have a phobia for air travel, water travel, gas cylinders and heavily painted ladies.

19. I could never figure what it is that people smoke to arrive at the conclusion that there is no GOD. You woke up this morning goddamnit!!!

20. Yes, I have been to London, and I don't mean to sound off, but No, I no gbadun the place jare. Can't wait to go home.

21. If I could bring people back from the dead, I'ld get my aunty Chioma, my man Vester Wilkie and General Sani Abacha.

22. Contrary to the truth, I do have a conscience.

23. I have been scammed by these so called "snack machines" before. Bloody thing took my money and never gave me my snack till this day. I just stood there staring at the thing in utter dis-belief!

24. I seriously can't wait to be a father.

25. I and my twin want to visit Amsterdam soon. He wants to visit the Red light districts, I wanna hit the weed joints. What can I say, we're twins. lol

P.s Thanks to everyone that left comments on my last post. I so blessed with you guys. Look out for updates on "3 Chicks, One Week!!!"

The Point of The Ex

2009-11-02T01:08:00.000Z

I was chatting with a friend the other day when I teased about whether she had finally landed a man, as she has always sworn never to have anything to do with guys for now. I was ecstatic to learn that she had indeed allowed herself to love. My excitement was however cut short when she revealed that she was leaving homie in a few weeks. I gathered, When I enquired further, that they had both planned an outing or something, which homie had forgotten, his excuse being that he was online chatting with his ex!!! After the call I settled back into my thoughts and asked myself, "WHAT EXACTLY IS THE POINT OF THE EX SEF???"

We all know the drill now, boy meets girl (or vice versa) they fall in love, they can't get enough of each other, they've got a tingly heart when his/her gist comes up, etcetera etcetera. Then all of a sudden, the relationship loses that allure it had initially, they start to have minor arguments which migrate to major arguments, then there is the dreaded break-up, then a make-up, and another break-up after which both parties decide to be friends/best friends.

Now that to me is a whole tank of horse shit. In dire situations or with certain people rather, one lover kills the other. The point being, "if I can't have you, then nobody else will". Now because that is a very drastic measure to allude to, people mostly decide to be friends. This is solely because they still desire a sizeable presence in each other's lives. These people also end up being consultants to the other person's new relationship. And nine times out of ten, a person is more likely to cheat with their ex, and not feel much guilt because they feel "he/she was here before you", or that they were doing it for old time sakes. Or i guess Like B.I.G said, "Some say the Ex, makes the sex, spectacular".

People might be of the opinion that when people break up, keeping in touch and being there for one another is a very mature thing to do, which to me is rubbish. If a lady broke up with me, I would proceed to systematically erase, delete, go to my recycle bin and CTRL + ALT + DELETE her. I will delete her from my facebook, yahoo messenger, msn, phone, email list and wherever else. I mean if she broke up with me, why should she still be in my life any however? Why must the new person put up with a half heart because the other half still belongs to my ex? Why should she be calling me on my birthday and similar occasions???

The point is, that is the ex is still in one's life, you can't really move forward now can you? because you still think there's a chance of you both getting back together. If that is the case, why break up in the first place?

If she broke up with me, she shouldn't call to ask how I've been. I'm fine thank you, (hell, I'm doing 10 times better than you!!) Don't be asking me why I never call you (I said i've deleted you eeeee!!!)

Maybe its just me sha, but I finally came to the conclusion that that the point of the "ex" is totally baseless.......... Seriously.Thanx to everyone that left a footprint on my last post jare. Una too mush. Had fun reading your comments. It was really nice the ladies sharing the type of women they were when I said i was/AM a "bobi man". There were abs, butt, arms, chest, jaw, attitude and even teeth women! Hilarious matter right there mehn!

Thanx to everyone that left their footprint on my last post jare. Una too mush. I Had fun reading your comments. It was really nice the ladies sharing the type of women they were when I said i was/AM a "bobi man". There were abs, butt, arms, chest, jaw, attitude and even teeth women! Hilarious matter right there mehn!

P.s. Have a happy new month too!!!

Yes heres another song from my artist Doggay, about the pitfalls of chasing a big man's daughter. I wrote the song, while my twin's on the beat. Happy listening!!

Click link below to play.

Doggay - Big Man Daughter

Last Night at the Club

2009-10-26T00:27:00.000Z

Yes! So I was at the club last night jare. Me and my peoples hadn't been out in a while so we decided to taste the night life again. I got there and found my right brain reminding my left brain why I need to stop going to these clubs i.e. they leave me hornier than I was before I step out of my house. Sheezus Kwyst!!! what are these ladies wearing??!!! Ladies are hitting the clubs half naked!!! I mean I saw this chic in a tube dress that just stretched from her nipples and barely covered her breasts!! In short there were loads of them. and why is it that you never find ladies with so much "assets" on the streets on a normal day, only in the club?? This one chic had an ass the size of South America. I swear that thing was so big, you could comfortably balance a bottle on it, with her standing erect! come and see thighs of different lengths and thickness my brothers and sisters!!! Come and see bobi!!! Come and see face painting!!!

But why they're not dancing still beats me till tomorrow. Seriously how do girls dress up, paint up, drink up (in some cases sha), and head to the clubs just to stand around. This one chic came in by herself, went to the bar by herself, bought herself drinks by herself, and stood there till the club ended.....by herself!!!! Every guy that approached her got the palm, every last one of them. A guy was scoping a chic behind me to no avail. The music was loud so i couldn't here what she was saying to him, but from the frantic hand movements she was making, it was obvious she was screaming. I kept praying to God the DJ did not stop d music at that moment because the embarassment for bros would have been utterly.

My Modus Operandi when I get to a club is to get my own drinks and proceed to find a vantage point were I can observe what's going on and check out the chics (yes definitely!). I do not approach a girl unless I notice she's staring hard or is showing some genuine interest. I do this to avoid getting that damned palm they always seem to pull out from no where!!! Don't need nobody ruining my night.

Yeah so back to the gist. I was a distance away from the DJ booth, and had two orobos flanking me. One in front of me and the other behind me. They were friends. It was then the bloody DJ threw on a song that was obviously one of their favourites. The one behind me let out a shout "That's my jam!!!", and the one in front responded "Yeah!!!!". Omo! come and see what happened next. The orobo behind started bumping me, while her friend in front started her own bumping, Next thing I heard was "come on!! dance man!!!". I didn't want to fall my hand, so I gave them a few steps and told them I was coming. I relocated to another part of the room to contemplate the episode that had just happened!".

It was a black club sha, and the only white people were a couple. A guy and a girl. To me, them two had the most fun of the night. They had their own drinks, and were dressed as casually as you can imagine. Trust oyinbo and their mumu dance, they were rocking away mehn. They were having so much fun together people were actually going over to join in their dancing! They were cool like that.

But the high-point of the night, the situation that really cracked me up till i got home and till the next evening, was when a girl came in with some guy who looked like her boyfriend sha. I couldn't have been too sure. I noticed them because i was standing by the exit by this time. In short the club had barely 10 mins to shut down when they came in. they made for the bar immediately. Una suppose see wetin that babe wear kai! she had on what I think is called "bum shorts" and if there is any meaning to that term, what honey had on was definitely it! her bum was (abi na were) out! what made it even more wicked is she had a thong underneath, with the strings purposely and properly exposed!!! It was quite a sight sha. It was a good thing the lighting in that place was dim, because ni99as were staring with reckless abandon at the thing mehn. So anyways, she was leaning on the bar with her hands, so that her waist was sticking out, and bent, putting the yansh on full display. It was what happened next that cracked me up. This guy appeared from no where, and in one fluid motion, pulled one of the thong strings and released it so that it snapped "kpai!!!!" on her half bare bum! He dissappeared into the crowd almost immediately. And you should have seen the girls face! Priceless!!!! You just needed to see her face. lmao!!! She spun around quickly, stunned out of her shoes! it was obvious she never imagined anyone would pull her thong strings anywhere!! let alone in a club!!!! and what made it even funnier was that the very guy, sort of noticed I had seen him and sauntered over to me laughing like "did you see that!!!!" I saw it jare!!!

It was a fun night jare. My friends all ended up getting some numbers from random chics sha, While I was busy watching yansh and bobi (I'm a bobi man by the way. Yex boxx!!)

P.s Speaking of Bobi men and Yansh men, What women do you have sef? I mean ladies do you guys have something like "Ab woman" or "bicep woman"??? Ladies which one una be sef? lol.

Yeah, So I'm gonna use this opportunity to promote my artist Doggay again (Listen to his other songs here) . Here's a song we did. Well he rapped, we had a couple of guest appearances, I made the beat, and wrote the first verse and chorus. Its a story about what happens when three guys get the wrong treatment when they get lost and try to get directions from a lady, and the things they say to her. Lemme know what you think. Una 2 mush jare!! Y'all the reason I blog!! Shame to bad bele people!!!

(Click on link Below to play song)

U nor Dey Shame - Feat. Whizzy & Aux D

Relationships, Lies and The Truth

2009-10-11T22:38:00.000+01:00

I often hear people talk about how they run a plain and honest relationship with their spouses and all, and how they always tell one another things no matter what, saying it strengthens their relationship. My question is "HOW??, IS IT REALLY OK TO TELL EVERYTHING??".

My answer is a big "NO!!!!!!!!!!". Forget what some people like to claim, but there are certain situations where you find yourself doing certain things. Things you only think about after you've done them. Things as sudden, un-explained sex with some hot person you just met. A situation you both could not explain afterwards, Some kiss that just happened Un-expectedly (that was really good). The other person's in a relationship just like yourself, you are both not ready to break up with your spouses, yet for those few minutes something "phenomenal" just happened between the both of you. Something you both know will never happen again.

Again, we both know how jealous some lovers can be abi? Yet you want to go and tell them stuff you did?? and apologize after, and expect them to respect that you told them and forgive you?? and forget all about it too?? HOW?????? They can form and say they've forgiven you and all, but trust me they'll never forget. No one could ever forget such a thing if it was told to them. Such a thing, if it doesn't push them to break up with you, will only end up traumatizing them. So why put them through that? I remember a girlfriend i had back in naija then wouldn't come to see me when I invited her over. She lived in the FCT, me south. She wouldn't let me come see her either. And I was really horny to say the least. Anyways I had this female colleague working in the same office with me, and she was fine. She worked in Sales, Me, I.T and our offices were next door to each other. Somehow I had given her my yahoo messenger id (oh by the way it's sugarking02@yahoo.com, sugarking02@hotmail.co.uk. Thats a Zero, not an O. I can chat here. I no gbadun twitter jare) and we used to do some very baaaaad chats mehn. So anyways we discovered with time, that we actually lived in the same area, just that i had to get through her place to get to mine. Because i was in I.T, we were almost always the last to close from work because we ran the internet server and couldn't shut till all the oga's had closed.

So she stopped by my office one day on her way home and asked if I would like to stop by her place before continuing on. I said I would and I did. And as is the case with these things, I suddenly find myself on top of her (still both clothed sha). She was staring into my eyes hard. I could see the hunger in hers. She suddenly leaned up to kiss me, and I backed off almost instinctively. As tempted as I was, I wasn't about to cheat on my girl just yet. I called my girl when i got home that evening and made the biggest mistake ever. I narrated to her what had happened, and how i had resisted my colleague. I did this actually expecting some praise from her for not succumbing to temptation of that sort. But that wasn't the case. All she took from all I said was the line "I lay on top of her". for the next five to ten minutes, the only thing she kept repeating was "so you lay on top of her?". I actually began to be worried as each repetition came with so much pain. Her voice was trembling now. She believed me when I said that was all that happened, but from that day on, I didn't need a priest to tell me her once 100% trust in me had reduced. Maybe not drastically, but there was no telling there was an actual reduction. I felt sick with myself.

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she said she was at loggerheads with her man. When I enquired why, she said she had been using his laptop to chat with some other guy on MSN, when he suddenly offered to show her his koboko. Well she said she didn't object and homie showed his bits. She also claimed to have one of them "tell-everything" relationships and as such, vomitted everything to her boyfriend. Having learnt my lesson from way back, I was agape at her! How is he ever supposed to digest that?? Did he thank you for telling him? What were you thinking??

Situations like these only lead to mistrust in a relationship and we all know the last thing anyone wants to be in, is a relationship where your spouse suspects your every move, because you decided to be an amebo and blow the whistle on yourself. Everything you say will always come as a lie to them, You find yourself lying at the slightest instant, till you even begin to suspect yourself sef!

In my opinion, telling the truth never helped matters. I'm not saying it's ok to do stuff like that to the people we are in a relationship with, but when these "mistakes" happen isn't it best to keep it to ourselves and try to forget it as soon as possible rather than breaking peoples hearts in the name of an honest relationship?? How una see am?

Ehen, on another note, I was at the bus station this morning and found this woman smoking so hilariously, i took out my phone and recorded it. Check it out.

Virginities & Conji

2009-10-05T22:53:00.000+01:00

Lately there's been loads of posts on virginities and certain names frequently turn up, leggy being the most obvious. I was smitten with ttlolla's post "Let's talk Sex" and thought I should share my own thoughts on the matter. I want to point that I know perfectly the bible's teachings on sex and even though we strive to be spotless in that light, we are nevertheless humans now abi?

Let me state again that although the term "Virginity" applies to both men and women who have never had sex, Women are the ones the word is used on 99% of the time. This is because a man has no way to prove his virginity. Unlike women, his word is bond. This means in effect that this post is referring to the female virgins.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing virginity and everything that it stands for. If a girl vows to remain a virgin for religious, or ethical purposes, that's fine. But if her reason is, and like I've heard a lot of them say, "SO THAT MY HUSBAND WILL RESPECT ME MORE", then suffice it to say, that that, my sister, is a whole tank of bull shit. Joke apart, I look at such ladies like them old betamax vcr recorders my grandpops used to have "dem still dey make una??" Why should anyone even think like that?? Jeez!! that's soooo 1800!!! hell, I'm sure the people from 1800 would even reject that it was from their age and perhaps say it was more 1200!!

First off, sex is lovely, well thats if the guy isn't too small, and she doesn't have a basin (see I F**ked Her). Those who claim its overrated, in the words of Ludacris "they just ain't doing it right!". So why would you want to do it, and at the same time not want to do it because like u said, you're saving it for your husband. This is someone you don't even know yet! this is someone who is 99% unlikely to be a virgin himself!!! God forbid, even tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone today. So what is the point of "punishing" yourself for a stranger?? Tons of women get married every saturday or otherwise. Am I to believe they are all virgins, or that their husbands didn't know they were marrying "non-virgins" and would afterwards disrespect them?

Come to think of it, I know several men who swear they can never marry a virgin. Their reason being "they want a woman who's a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets!" Men have the craziest sexual fantasies they always dream of living out someday. From doggystyles, to blowjobs, to dangerous angled positions, to perhaps anal, the list is endless. So its no news that these men need a wife that would fulfill those fantasies and even more. No man wants to be told what he can and cannot do in bed, or have to answer numerous "why" questions during sex (see the one breast episode), not from his wife!!! (some of the reason men cheat too!)

Again, why should you be with a man who questions your virgin status? why should he expect you to have waited for him a whole 20 something years?? is he God? Is he a virgin himself? Where did you even find such a man?? Coming up, I used to come first a lot in primary school and for the following weeks after, I was the star of the house. My parents told every and anyone that would listen. The neighbours, fellow church members, their co-workers e.t.c It was nice while it lasted, but like i said that was only for a couple of weeks! I'm all grown now and don't hear my childhood feats anymore. Do I still expect them to sing my praises till today? Likewise your virginity. yes he's gonna be flattered and all, but that's all it'll ever be. He's not going to kill a cow for you for every time that he makes love to you. o.k maybe the first two times, but trust me, it will stop one day.

What's more, it hasn't stopped those that will still cheat yet, it hasn't stopped the wife beaters or even the can't-get-a-job ones. Sickle cell carriers are getting married to one another these days, HIV positive couples are getting married, people with other life threatening conditions are marrying themselves in the name of love. na im People go come dey drink panadol on top virginity?? In the first place conji is never good for anyone. It makes you restless, give you high blood pressure not to mention that it prevents you from thinking straight. Like I tell most of my lady friends, and i think i wrote it on someone's blog the other day, "if you're gonna have sex, do it because you want to, and have a blast at it!" Just make sure you're doing it with someone nice that you really like whether he's your boyfriend regardless.

I think people should learn to let their hair down and just live!!! we're human beings you know? blood runs in our veins, not ice water!! If that man says he can't marry you because you're not a virgin, (1) he doesn't know you yet (2) you should put one finger in his eye, shift the ball to one corner, spit inside the hole and shift the ball back into position (3) you need to supply yourself the hottest slap ever for even letting some one such as him stand in your presence.

P.s: Glory be to God, I'm done with my dissertation o!!! It feels so good to not have to go to school again, though pops is trying to suggest i get a Phd. I told the guy to calm down first. I appreciate all the comments on my last post too. Una too mush!

The Cele Church Experience

2009-09-29T19:24:00.000+01:00

Hello Peoples? I'm sorry I've been M.I.A. I've been hard at my dissertation due tomorrow the 30th. After then I'm definitely gonna be regular here, commenting, posting and all. Inbetween, thanx for the comments on my last post I F**Ked Her. It was/is dedicated to the ladies.

So anyways I couldn't write anything, but stole this off my twin's Facebook notes. It's a bit long sha, but is an interesting read anyways believe me.

February 2004 it was when I had temporarily relocated to Port Harcourt for my 6 month IT. Not only was I ecstatic about going 2 live with my late aunt Chioma; bless her soul, but also because of the “exciting gists” I had always heard about the city life, and of course the much talked about “PH girls”. Anyway, to give you a brief insight to d family I had pledged to live with for the next six months; this was a staunch Cherubim and Seraphim house/family and my late aunt Chioma’s husband was the head of a “Cele” church that was literally steps away from the house. Now, even though I wasn’t the most ardent of church goers, and being that I was going to live in a very peiteous environment for the next six months, I decided to form good boy small and behave myself.

It was on a Saturday that I had arrived and I thought it only right to attend church the next day, Sunday. But you see there was a bit of a problem here as to which church to attend. So being that I’m a born Anglican, plus a JJC in the area, I decided to ask my aunt if she knew of any nearby Anglican Church in the area that I could attend. I had barely finished enquiring when I was quickly reprimanded by my often temperamental uncle, who I didn’t notice was sitting close by. “Why would you want to attend some other church when I have one?” He asked. “You will attend my church. You are in my house ….when you are in Rome you behave like Romans”. After some hesitation, I had to take the difficult decision to oblige him as I really didn’t want 2 disappoint/upset him, and hadn’t yet found an Anglican Church to worship at. So I said “Ok o! What d hell sef? After all church na church…. is it not d same God we’re all serving”?

Come Sunday morning, everyone started getting ready for church. Now I noticed that whiIe I was preparing a shirt and a trouser, everybody else was ironing some white garment or the other. Well, what did I expect? It was a white garment church, and I was all too glad when I was told that I could dress in mufti as I was a visitor and a first timer. I put on my fancy clothes, and started feeling pleased with myself. What came next was something that I hadn’t prepared for. So I step out of the house, making my way towards the church building, and my little cousin Michael notices me and says “Bros we no dey wear shoe go church oh”. I said “Correct! Me? As I brrrooosss reach, I go go church, I no go wear shoe?” Being the city boy that was, I wasn’t about to embarrass myself going out bare footed for any reason. But before long, other house members joined Michael in support saying “Bros na true o! We no dey wear shoe go church. In fact uncle no go happy with u o! I was given the impression that it was indeed a wholesome atrocity to wear shoes into their church. It was not until my aunt came out and almost pleadingly, cajoled me into taking off my shoes that i decided to "gree". You can imagine my sudden awkwardness after all the gra gra. I still comot the shoes sha. Did I have an option? And deciding to stay back was not acceptable either. “You must go to church” my uncle said.

Wetin bros go do now? I come go the church like that o! looking more ridiculous than smart. I had hardly settled into my seat when what seemed like 3 cups of water landed on me in quick succession, so much so that I had to acknowledge the obvious talent of whoever did it. It was right on target; my face. I looked around in a bid to know where the “assault” had come from, to find some elderly man standing right in front of me, with a giggly smile in his face. There was the culprit. Now how such an elderly man could aim cups of water at my face without missing, and from a distance for that matter, still beats me till today. Anyway, the man walks up to me and says “you are welcome in the name of the Lord”. Chai!! I thought to myself; “Did you have to drench me in order to welcome me? Couldn’t you have just said welcome and left the water out of the matter?” I was later made to believe that it was a ritual in white garment churches to "spray" visitors/new members with “holy water”. So I’m sitting there, half drenched, half vexed, and very uncomfortable, not knowing what to make of the whole scenario. What made it even worse was that people started to stare. Little did I know that that was the first of many “embarrassments/blessings”

to come. Anyway, midway into the service, they start a chorus to welcome new members/visitors, and I could only guess what was coming next; and did I guess right. I noticed a better half of d congregation looking in my direction, some of them pointing, while others beckoned on someone I thought was behind me to come forward. You should have seen the expression on my face when I realized the person in question was indeed me. For some reason, I turned out to be the only visitor that day. Now from my childhood to my school days, up till that day, I had always been the shy, introverted type who loathed attention of any fashion. And here I was getting one from a congregation of some 50 odd people. So I get up, and make my way towards the altar. What d hell? They were only welcoming me init? But I was even shocked by what followed next.

I was summoned to a spot just a few feet from the altar, and asked to kneel. Na so I kneel down o! and then some “spiritual leaders”, as they proclaimed they were, started making their way towards me one after the other, forming a circle round me in some military style order. In my mind I said “Correct! Here we go again. This is part two”. I had no clue what they were about to do. I started talking 2 myself. “Aham calm down, they won't eat you”. One of them started to speak, saying that they were going to pray for me, imploring the congregation to join in, and stretching their hands towards me. However, unknown to me, these “spiritual leaders” surrounding me all had wooden and iron staffs which looked to me like one of them Harry potter magic wands. They draw their staffs/wands, again in another coordinated military style and point them at my head. I didn’t know if to be frightened or to laugh. It was at this point that I uncontrollably let out an audible chuckle, to which one of them asked “what’s amusing you?”. Anyway, some 20 minutes later, I’m stilling kneeling, with the prayer gaining momentum by the minute. A passerby would have thought that a funeral service was going on with the frightening squeals that came from the building, especially the women. After a really long while, I noticed that I had being obedient enough to shut my eyes during the prayer. So I decided “ah! Lemme see what’s going on around me sef. Abi this prayer no dey finish?” I opened my eyes in the midst of all the saliva that was being rained on me and looked around to see if the commotion was only about me or something else that I didn’t know about, and what I saw was one to behold. I could have sworn that I was right in the middle of a theatre arts class. One man was sprinting the length of the hall from one end to another in prayer (madness); women were rolling on the floor screaming, while some others appeared to be in some competition for who shouted the loudest. The hall was in utter pandemonium. While they were praying whatever they were praying about, I was simply praying to God to bring the prayer to an end. Thankfully, the prayer ended and I was asked to return to my seat to which I gave Baba God all the glory.

Well, in due time, after what seemed the longest and most gruesome service I had ever attended, the service came to a close. I was all too relieved, but also annoyed and all that was on my mind was to get out of there as hastily as I could, as i couldn't stand another second in that building. It was just as I made for the door that another clown came with his own wahala o! “Brother! Brother!” the bros yelled, and I turned to see who it was. It wasn’t until he came close that I recognized him from one of the “spiritual leaders” that surrounded me earlier in prayer. He said “Brother I been dey try communicate with you during prayer but e be like say u no hear me”. As far I as I could remember, I didn’t hear him or anyone in particular, trying to talk to me then as it got really loud with the screaming and all, and I told him so. He said “Nooooo bros you no understand wetin I dey talk”. So I became confused, as I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about and proceeded to ask him. “abeg no vex oh! But in what manner exactly were you trying to establish this communication”? What came out of his mouth next frightened me. “I been dey try talk to your spirit” he said; and he was dead serious. I just did not know where to start with this one, because at that point I was morally drained and just did not have the mental energy for that conversation and so I quickly made up excuses about my spirit not being ready, etcetera, etcetera, to which he agreed “Ooooookkkkkk. Chai! Sorry eh”. Maybe next time eh! Just prepare your spirit. God go help you make you hear me well well.” I said “Thank you”, exchanged pleasantries and walked away. I just couldn’t hold my laughter any longer, and in my mind I said “God help you too o! In fact make e help you well well”.

My Last Post

2009-09-25T03:33:00.000+01:00

Hi Guys,

I'm sorry for the comment box malfunction on "I F**ked Her". I have now fixed this.

Happy reading!!!

P.s. Oh no ! this is not my last post. I just started na.

I F**ked Her

2009-09-22T22:04:00.000+01:00

Nine out of ten guys view sex as a trophy. So when they sleep with that girl, the prize has been won, and like all prizes, must be displayed. This usually happens in beer parlours and all what not. I can't count the number of times my friends have called me right after sex like "Men u sabi that chic for xyz that day, I JUST FUCK AM FINISH". I mean, they just can't wait to tell the whole crew. She hasn't even left the house! She steps into the bathroom to shower or whatever and he calls up the homies to tell about the prize he just won.

I'm not trying to form activity or anything, but I like... sorry, I love to differ in that respect. My friends don't know for sure if I've had sex or not since coming into this country last September. When accused, I neither deny nor affirm. They've since given up guessing. And my reasons are simple.

A Man is almost always ready for sex at any given point in time, location and situation regardless. This means that nine and half times out of ten, a guy will consent to sex. This is different with ladies. What am I saying? Nine times out of ten, sex occurs because SHE CONSENTED. i.e. She FUCKED you goddamnit! She agreed is why it happened!!! I think the ladies are in part responsible for this anyways because some just do not care what type of guy it is or what time it is before they go to his house. Guys bet everyday about having sex with one girl or the other. So if a guy makes a bet with his friends that he's going to sex some particular chick, and she's spotted going into his house at some odd hour even if she went to get her lesson note she lent him during the day, it doesn't matter what she says in the morning, she's "FUCKED" anyways. because such guys would rarely come out to their friends and say nothing happened. It's her word against his.

A similar thing happened to me back in Uni. I had a friend (a chic) I was really close to, and everyone had noticed. I lived off the campus with my twin who I shared a single room key with. On this very day, he had absent mindedly locked me in while i slept and went to school with the key. It was that same day that my pal Jibola decided to pay me a visit. Of course I couldn't open the door for him, because my brother had the key with him. But I couldn't have paid Jibola enough to believe me. He could not bring himself to understand how any one could be in their house and not be able to open the door. According to him, I definitely had my lady friend in there whom I didn't want him to see. Long story short, he was convinced we were having sex.

I was on my way back from school today when something my friend said earlier made me laugh. He said he had had sex with some Lithuanian chic the night before, but was a bit disgusted because according to him, her "kpekus" (Vajayjay) felt like he put his Koboko in a cup. Why am I being modest sef? He actually used the word "basin" not cup sef. On hearing that, anyone's first thoughts are that she must be very promiscuous and had damaged her elasticity with too much sex. But like I did on my post The Cumming, I suddenly found myself thinking a different direction...."What if the Kpekus had been perfectly alright, and my Man's koboko had been ten times smaller than a day old boy's own??? Food for thought ehn??

Ps: Thanks for your comments on my last post. I'm really trying to get into the good books of the female bloggers with this post. lol. Una too mush jare! Thunder fire devil!!

The Koboko Thief

2009-09-11T15:24:00.000+01:00

First off, lemme say a big thanks to everyone that's ever left comments on my blog. Una 2 mush!!!! So back to my freshest gist...

It was back in my Undergarduate final year just here o! Myself and a friend were just outside our course adviser's office talking while waiting to see her, when this guy appeared from no were and offered his hand to me in handshake. The weirdest thing was that I didn't know homie from Adam, plus he was really looking unkempt and a tad suspicious. he had sores on his head from a possible fight, he was missing a few teeth, plus his clothes were a little dirty. He definitely couldn't pass for a student. So anyways, he notices my hesitation and goes "ahn ahn shake my hand na, abi u dey fear say my hand go bite you?" I take his hand thinking "what's d worst that can happen? take his hand and hear the man out". He then proceeds to ask me how the previous day's football match ended. I was about to tell him I wasn't a soccer fan of any sorts when my friend who had been distracted by a passing friend suddenly did a double stare at the man and went "You! what are you doing here, you this man?!!".

I thought they knew themselves from somewhere but I was proved wrong as the man suddenly flared up, retorting "Why are you shouting at me like that?? did I still your money or what?? Have you seen me before??!!!" He then threatened to call the police and have her arrested for harassing him. I was beginning to be baffled at the sudden turn of events when the man suddenly stormed off in apparent fury. I then noticed that he was making straight for the exit out of the building, and he was hurrying. She had obviously ruffled his feathers.

What she would next explain to me left me sleepless for many nights to come. she narrated thus:

She had been at a friend's place two weeks earlier. It was a compound with a house built in a hostel-like manner, providing many rooms for students. There was no light so they were sitting outside and chatting. A group of guys where seated round a plastic table a few feet from them deep in a game of draught, when this same man walked into the place asking for someone. They told him there was no one by that name residing there. He then lingered around to watch the game, exchanging small banter in the process. He took his leave after about ten minutes, shaking hands with every one in farewell. Seconds after he left, one of the guys proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower. The scream that came from the bathroom was nothing like what the guys playing draught had ever heard before. They all rushed to the bathroom to find to their horror that their friend was missing a koboko!!!.

But someone was quick to point out that it had to be the stranger who had been there a while, and they all gave chase in the direction he had gone. They caught up with him, dragged him back to the compound amidst protests from him, beat d life out of him and made him recant whatever he had done. With further beating, he recited whatever he had to recite and the koboko was restored! So she said o! When she finished her story, I stared at her speechless and totally lost for words. "Didn't I just shake this same man's hands a few minutes back??!!!" Not giving two fucks that I was in public, my hands instinctively reached for my very own koboko and was too relieved to find that everything was intact. Still holding my package, I quickly said a prayer, binding and casting all plans whatsoever against my oga.

It made me think what type of world we live in where people wake up in the morning, and while some go to their offices, some go about harvesting other peoples koboko for wealth. Seriously what peace will that wealth bring that person?

P.s. O yeah I said on my profile that I am a music Producer. please listen to my artist Doggay and let me know what you think. Cheers!!

Mary Jane

2009-09-04T13:55:00.000+01:00

It was a beautiful evening in the second quarter of 2002. Nigeria had just been knocked out of the World cup, and my friends and I had just finished our second year exams. We were sitted at a table at a palmwine joint in the area when the prettiest girl I had ever seen walked in. To say dat she was beautiful would be ridiculously modest of me. This Lady was as dashing and as ravishing as any woman could get. Her radiance was just earth shattering. She was draped in a flowing white lace dress, with a nice pair of green shoes. You could never in a million years understand how elated I was when she came and sat right at our table!!!

There was just something about her, that put every one at the table on a certain high. She was a bit reserved but not shy. She had the greenest eyes I ever saw in any one person. I later got to learn her favourite color was green, and that she originated from Jamaica (well her pops was, while her moms was Naija). She talked about her years coming up, and her hobbies, which to my utmost joy included kissing of which I am a big fan.

The evening couldn't have ended any better with her opting to come home with me, pointing that I was quite a character and would like to get acquainted with me better! It still felt like I was in a dream, when we reached my place, kicked back to watch TV with some little gist in between. I don't remember clearly, but I think it was the world cup we were talking about when she suddenly leaned in and kissed me, and boy that girl could kiss!!! She held me tight as we kissed, leaving me with red eyes, dilated pupils and and a pair of burning lungs. She was just amazing!

She left in the morning, saying that she had to go see a couple of friends, and promised to call me sometime. She left me in a most euphoric state.

I met up with my friends later that day, and found myself an object of laughter throughout that day. I was heartbroken when they later revealed to me that they had all had turns with her, and that she was the area's "cheerful giver". I was devasted to learn that she had also been with a few of my father's friends, an uncle that passed away, our gateman and all his kids, a few notorious figures, and even the bloody pastor down the street!.

I was more amazed to learn she was bi-sexual. Yes she had had thrysts with some yeye girls in the area, and a friend's grandma!!! I was starting to imagine all the other things she could be involved in when a thought suddenly hit me. "Did I honestly expect a lady gorgeous as herself to be entirely one person's property?, was that even possible?" I stopped to think of all the people she had been with, she seemed to have left them happy and in a much better state than when she had first met them. Hell, she had cured my friend's grandma of her eye problem (glaucoma), she calmed my pop's friend's high blood pressure, another of his aches, even the bloody pastor down the road was preaching better sermons than ever!

She was indeed a blessing to mankind. I could never be jealous of her even if I tried. She was/is an unforgettable experience.

Oh I forgot to mention, her name was Mary a.k.a Mary Jane a.k.a Marie Juan a.k.a Marijuana...

looooooooool!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Ashewo Joint

2009-08-28T13:53:00.000+01:00

I love facebook man, i really do. If not for anything, at least for the pics friends put up everyday. Pics that chronicle their lives in front to your very eyes. I was going through pics of a colleague from my former workplace when i came across Ugo’s pic. I suddenly burst out laughing. That guy is hilarious to say the least. The mere sight of him moves you to hysterical laughter in just seconds. Ugo was/is a field engineer (it was an oil servicing firm). He was very hardworking and knew his job very well. But the guy body too dey hot sha. When/if he had an issue, and wanted you to solve it for him, he would be on your neck all day till you did it. He could really be a pain in the neck with that.

Yes so back to the story that got me laughing. We had been sent to the rig, myself and Emma another colleague of mine to help setup equipment at the site. Ugo and two other engineers had gone with us. Emma and I were to setup the equipment for the engineers to begin drilling with. We started rig up procedures almost immediately we arrived the rig and finished late the next day. We had taken our baths and were just settling in to bed when Ugo suddenly poked his head through the door. From the way he was dressed, it was obvious he was set for an outing and had come to take us with him. Emma and i reluctantly get dressed and follow him. Mind you, it was about 9 p.m and we had to walk a distance to get a bike, so we were really reluctant but followed him nonetheless. We get on two bikes and get to the place in about 30 minutes.

We walk into an unfenced compound with a one-story building in the middle. It had a small B.Q by the side and it was obvious it was a joint of sorts for it had them white plastic chairs and tables arranged in clusters all over the place. I also notice that there are girls sitting around alone. It was at that moment that Ugo turns around to face us, claps his hands, rubs them excitedly and says “you see, this place you people are now is no-man’s land. You see all these girls? Anyone you like, just walk up to her and tell her”. With that he walks away to order drinks. Emma and I find an empty table and take our seats. I tell Emma to hold forth as I was going outside to find a spot to pee. I get back to find Ugo back at the table, with a lady by his side. I say my hellos and settle down to chat a bit with Emma, taking her to be some acquaintance of Ugo’s.

The drinks arrive, we dive into them immediately and Ugo and his lady friend get up and leave the table. He would later return 20 minutes later fuming at the girl whom was now nowhere to be seen. He began to rant “Can u imagine that stupid girl?? Told me to give her 1000 Naira when her mates are collecting 500 Naira, and she even said she won’t suck my breast!”. That was when I turned to look around me like “ok, so seriously where am I??”

Ugo soon goes off again and returns to say he’s found another one, but that he was waiting for her for she was with someone. It didn’t occur to me what he meant at first. Then it hit me! She was WITH someone, and he was waiting his turn!!! I stared at him in dis-belief! What was going on here??!! He goes off a few minutes later and doesn’t return, so we assume she had finished with whoever she was with earlier. Emma stuns me by suddenly getting up, saying he was going to get his!!! I am suddenly all alone at the table. By this time my head starts to spin at what and where i actually was!! Is that why these ladies are sitting around by themselves??? Are they really....?? I refused to believe what I was thinking, alluding rather to the fact that Emma and Ugo were just pulling my legs.

Ugo returns about 30 minutes later with a different lady in his hand. The funniest thing was he had the biggest smile on his face. Emma comes out just at that moment too. Ugo buys the girl a drink and persuades her to sit at the table with us, but she declines saying she has to get back to “work”!! Ugo begins to shower encomiums on the girl who had now left saying “You see that girl, she’s the best around here. And I only gave her 500 Naira, plus she sucked my breasts too!!! That useless one will not work tonight. Let her keep forming rubbish!”. I was still reeling with laughter at Ugo and his reference to his breasts when one of the girls saunters past our table, looks in our direction and shouts “Extra large!” and continues away giggling. Apparently she was the one Emma had been with. With my eyes squinted, head cocked to one side, i ask Emma “Why did she just call you Extra large?” smiling away, he points to his midsection and I find my self jolted to reality like “this is so not happening!!!”.

I still believe they are both toying with me, when i decide to actually find out for myself what the place was about. I notice the girl Ugo had the quarrel with by the gate and set off towards her. I needed to hear it from the horse’s mouth. So i approached her like “what happened with you and my friend now? You guys just met and you are already quarrelling?” that was when she broke it down for me. With marked rage in her voice she goes “that useless man! I carry am go my room tell am say na 1000 i dey collect. E say no, say na 500 him get. As I no gree, him come say o.k make i remove my cloth. I remove my cloth finish tell am say make Him give me the money first. The useless man no gree give me the money, na im i wear my cloth commot now! If to say na Port-harcourt I dey him must pay me that money as him don see my nakedness finish!” adding further, “I nor dey do my own Ashewo like that”.

To say that i was shocked is an under-statement. No I wasn’t shocked, I was mortified! I mean, my jaw had fallen open, my eyes were half popping out, yes, i was mortified from the feet up! I stood there glaring at her like “OMG!!!! I’m actually holding conversation with a real life prostitute!!!!!!” what i found even more petrifying was that she made no bones whatsoever about why she was there or more still, what her profession was. She would then proceed to separate herself saying “na all these new girls him fit try that nonsense with, no be me”, I then ask if the other girls where Ashes also, to which she replies in the affirmative!!! Now I was really petrified!

Anyways, me and my people finish our drinks and head off back to college. It had been quite a night.