Don't Cum On Me  

Posted by Sugarking

My dear brothers, what are we to do with such women ehn biko nu?? Don't cum on you?? This is why Christ is never coming back. It is because of this level of wickedness still existing in the world today.

I had a girl tell me "sorry" once when I came, to my utter amazement. "Haba, Why are you telling me sorry" I asked. " well, your face when you're cumming and the sounds you make, looks like you're having a hell of an experience"

I'm saying this to say, that it is evident that you women know what it means for a man to cum. It is that Messi finishing, that Lebron James jumpshot, that Mike Tyson left hook, it is the World Cup final. Any attempt to derail such an experience, is a sin in my books as equal to the Holocaust. In fact I am convinced that such women have a special line for them on Judgement day.

To even analyze the matter sef, if I can't cum on you, where I go come cum ehn? On my bed? In my hand? Am to spring up immediately and dash to the toilet? Abi would you rather I cum inside you then?? I can't be consumed in a body-racking experience and be catching cum at the same time. I can't multi-task like that abeg. And that ruins the experience don't you guys know this??

It's not like we're cumming on the hair you made last week with 100k, or in your ears or some other weird place, it's.... You know.... On your belly (the best) or in the small of your back or something.

I mean at least try to make sure he has running water in the house. Na naija we dey. Chances are you guys were fucking inside heat, because Nepa no dey....... And you didn't have money to fuel your gen. Lol. So yeah, you would need a bath eventually and you can wash off the cum. Insist he wash it off with his hands if you like, but please let us cum on you biko. You made us cum, so allow us enjoy it. Let us cum in peace.... Lol

Missionary Sex  

Posted by Sugarking

I think the missionary position is the greatest and most underrated sexual position of all time. We have even dubbed it "Granny sex". The irony! Maybe that's why their marriages last so long and our generation have marriages that end on the same traditional marriage day (yes I know of one).

All those other positions, doggy-style e.t.c that we gbadun so much are really 'disconnecting' wouldn't you agree?

The missionary on the other hand is that 'Soul sex' in my opinion. Man on top of woman, her legs spread, her hands gripping his ass, sex so slow he goes in deep till he can't go any further, comes all the way out till its just the tip left in, only to go back in again. All the while holding each other's gaze steady!

That's that missionary sex. Its more personal so to say, more 'connecting', more beautiful, more endearing.

Women, Save Us  

Posted by Sugarking

I can't count how many times I've heard the "good ones"  go "but the bad girls always get married first.  If you ask me, it is simply because you guys let it happen. You know how it is at house parties, only the girls that get up to dance get danced with. Well drunk ones will come along to pull you from your seat, but then you know what you followed when you followed him abi? 


I saw a tweet today "I want a woman who KNOWS she can have me. Not the one who worries about losing me"


So you good girls are just going to sit around and talk while we're left to the mercy of the bad girls 

You have to tell us how we're going to love you. You have to own us. 

I read somewhere that we're all here, earth, for a purpose. What if your purpose on earth is to save the unsuspecting, headless and utterly defenseless creature, Man?? Ehn good girls answer me!!

Mcheeew. *sends post in annoyance*

Woman Behind Man  

Posted by Sugarking

I want to lament this rubbish I see on the streets of Lagos. Yes, it was only since I came to Lagos that noticed it. And as much as I try to ignore it, I can't help getting pissed each time I see it. I'm referring to women sitting behind men on Okada. WTF is that??

I mentioned it to my friends in the car with me once when I saw it at Sango where we had gone to work and the guy behind remarked "Maybe dem no like am. Especially if dem no sabi themselves"

I don't understand it. Dem no like wetin?? Why not board her own Okada?? Because I understand that these are probably strangers for this to happen. i.e. the Okada man only moves when he has two passengers complete. So one passenger gets there and waits for the second passenger. If the passengers are male and female and strangers to each other, the man gets in behind the okada man, then the woman gets behind the man.

Whats the hypocrisy about here? Why exactly is a woman behind a man on a bike? To start with, I think it's un-gentlemanly of the man, The person behind is more prone to accidents. They might fall off,   and if they're hit from behind by a car, the person behind gets it first. Chivalry is really dead.

The only reason I can think of why people do this is perhaps the sexual connotation. And again I ask, what is the hypocrisy about?? Sexually, a man is behind a woman. It is what it is. Everyone knows that. Why are we trying to prove otherwise? Abi are niggas growing boners sitting behind them perhaps? But if she sit's behind him, her boobs are on homies back anyways, so in her bid to not give him 'back' hasn't she now given him 'front'??

The Power In Her Loins  

Posted by Sugarking

Honestly I think that women who have man-trouble are women who don't understand the power they wield down there. It is the source of creation, who ever wields it runs this shit goddamnit! All that feminist shit bores me to death. Those are some very lazy women right there they don't even know it. "Men this, men that". Rubbish. Ya'll gotta televise the new revolution. Every woman tell her fellow woman "SUIT UP". Lock shit down (you know what I mean abi?). Men will prostrate on the bare floor. A fellow woman suiting up is a call to arms. Did you see "300"? (yes they were eventually massacred....wow....Well that's another Story. Lol) Notice that round, tight (pun intended) formation they had?? They were INPENETRABLE! (pun intended). A man will try the next lady, and the next, and the next as long as it is available to him. Clamp it up and you have us in a straight line. You say shut up and we answer "Yes baby". You say "Are you mad?", "Yes baby". your father! = yes baby.

I don't believe that men have sex with women. I believe that Women have sex with men. Anything else is rape. The normal thing is to blame your man for cheating. Yeah, cool, but what of the woman he cheated with? Why isn't she checking him for disrespecting her sister??

But back to our gist, the solution here (in my humblest opinion o!) is Women have to do away with all that just-lie-there rubbish. You have to "change it" for the brother na. Nine times out of ten, when Guys have sex, we are performing. Performing is trying to prove that we can hit. It's why we are always trying out those porn moves on you. Fingers in places where ... (X_X), even spanking. (that's definitely porn na isn't it? Abi were our Great grandparents spanking back then? This our olofofo generation sef)

So in trying to make sure you don't cry to your friends about his wack sex the next day, (that thing is painful o) he totally forgets to have fun himself. That's where you come in. How about sharing nacking duties? Say he nacks you Monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, then you nack him Friday, Saturday, and goddamn Sunday??? 'Treat' him to it on special occasions, as rewards for things as simple as him giving you a good laugh earlier in the day.

I mean, on the day it is your turn nack him, You do the entire "doing". The kissing, the fondling, the sucking, the riding, the monkey style, the EVERYTHING. Get creative and shit.

We love that. Me for example, I remember my best head, My first shower nack, the one that first sucked me off.... stuff like that. Where were the others? You guessed it, JUST-LYING-THERE!

Take charge of your business and we will fall in line. Take care of your house. I for instance personally believe that men who get BJs first thing in the morning always come home. #JustFacts

Meanwhile this post was inspired by the videos in the link below. Give it to us like that or not at all. That's how you keep your nigga in check. Ask Cleopatra.

*Happy viewing*

*WARNING: ABEG!!!!! NO LOOK THE VIDEO FOR OFFICE O!!! DEM GO SACK YOU O!!! NA BLUE FILM O!!!!

XXX

Morning medicine




Woman Matter  

Posted by Sugarking


I was at work the other day and I was discussing the topic with a 19 yr old fresh graduate interning in my office, and she found it really hilarious that I said I was more drawn to women who are stunning with nothing but lip gloss on for make-up. You know them. It’s not that they can’t dress, no, they just prefer to cover up more as opposed to the others. They are intelligent as well as prospective, plus they can suck dick, and fuck like your favourite porn star. Yes. See lemme explain what I did there. Please I want you to look past the fact that I was vulgar and dwell more on WHY I was vulgar. It is because I’m trying to impress on you that these ones can be just as nasty. They just need to make sure that the person getting the work is worthy. They exist. I’m very sure each and every one of us knows at least one such person.


I have a couple in my life, and I feel really blessed. Great friends, listeners, confidantes, pushers, WIFE MATERIAL, all rolled in these women. Got a nigga wishing you would tin ghen ghen and move down here, so I can tin gban gban and give you this work. Lol. You know once in a while a nigga will find him self in a chic, and he’s thinking, “Mehn, this condom better not tear o!”, “Mehn, I’ll make sure she swallows that Postinor in my presence tomorrow morning o” (This is a fact. Ask your male friends) And this is chiefly because they simply don’t want YOU having ANY baby of theirs. Let me just stop there with that.. But then the other type of WOMEN (Whoop!), Those are the ones you find yourself forgetting the condom with which is also the first time you’ve ever done that, The ones the condom breaks inside her and you’re more concerned about finishing than trying to remedy the situation immediately.  I mean, the ones I’d go raw or not at all with, even though I’m petrified of STDs. Lol. HIV no dey show for face but you’re for some reason a 110% convinced she doesn’t have anything she can infect you with. And even if she did sef, what’s the big deal?


Like “Hey baby what you got? oh word? Syphillis??? Damn girl I’ve been wanting those in a long time. Hook a brother up! Actually let me have some herpes on the side too. Thanks”

Champions at the withdrawal method but we always seem to forget to pull out on time time because we wanted to linger in there a little bit longer. Like “Take it baby, have all my kids. Twins, Triplets, whatever baby. Take that, take that” Lol

One is less cautious with those ones because you just feel more at ease, more relaxed. More enthusiastic to face whatever is ahead. Well I can only speak for myself sha.

Sadly most of them are miles away from me. I just need to find one a commutable distance from me and it’s a wrap seriously. Lol

Prayers  

Posted by Sugarking

You know I always knew I was gifted. I just was never able to put my finger on what it was/is, but it hit me only just recently. Yes, I make it proud to say that I have special powers, powers to tell what is actually chasing a person, from the words that come out of their mouth when they are praying. I was born Anglican. My uncle requires that everyone that lives in his house must follow him to church on sunday no questions asked. So it is on sundays at his Anglican-turned-pentecostal parish, that my powers manifest best. I mean, it's easy when the pastor goes "I want everybody to use the next five minutes to pray for themselves!", and everyone suddenly starts talking at the same time. If you listen well you could just hear the person beside you go "Father, I pray that when I get to the market place, mama Nkechi won't take over my stall" or the fine girl two rows down going "Baba God e don tey o, since one year now man never toast me o !"

But you know I think I've had this gift coming up sef. Aunty Uloma from my mother's side always forced morning devotion on us whenever she came over. It was at these ridiculously early morning devotions that Aunty Uloma when praying, would meticulously and mercilessly dish out family members gist. By devotion's end, you learnt that your cousin from your other other uncle failed jamb one more time, that one of your female cousins was now bringing boys home, that an older nephew had been caught smoking weed, and numerous other things.

I don't know how to pray loud mehn. I don't think I want people to hear about my struggles and pity me instead of praying for me. The only time I do that is when I'm appointed to pray say before a journey or something. Even then, it's a few words and an "Amen". In church when everyone starts praying at once and doing all that speaking in tongues, I just take my seat and proceed to watch people. God forgive me but that's one of the most fun things to do trust me.

No disrespect to my prayer warriors o abeg. I know say one person go enter me now. Loool